Soul Calibur IV "Ultimate Marketing Pourri Showdown" !
Alors là, accrochez vous bien à votre tabouret, on tient le jeu qui recense à lui seul les ¾ des astuces marketing les plus pourris que l'on peu rencontrer dans le monde merveilleux et chatoyant des jeux vidéo. Ce petit bijou de n'importe quoi se prénomme « Soul Calibur IV » ce qui peut se traduire vaguement par « Âme Calibur IV » démontrant une nouvelle fois le talent impressionnant qu'on les Japonais pour parler l'engrish !
Pour ceux qui ne connaissent pas, « Soul Calibur » est une série de jeux de baston apparu pour la première fois sur la Sega Dreamcast et qui depuis squatte toutes les consoles possibles et imaginables histoire de générer un max de couilles en or. Pour se différencier des autres jeux de baston les combattants de « Soul Calibur » utilisent tous des épées et autres trucs tranchants bizarre en lieu et place de leurs petits poings délicats, résultat c'est bien bourrin et top classe moumoute. Mais bon, tout ça on s'en fiche pas mal pour ce qui va suivre.
Histoire de bien comprendre toute la splendeur de la campagne marketing autour de « Calibur qui saoule » je vais détailler étape par étape ses grands moments fort, vous allez voir c'est émouvant :
- Tout commence en juin 2007 avec la sortie d'un teaser prévu pour bien mettre l'eau à la bouche de tout le monde et le zizi tout dur à tous les fans, et sur ce dernier point on peut dire que Namco a décidé de mettre le paquet :
« zOMG, SES SEINS SONT ENOOOOOOORMES » !! Eh oui, les mecs du marketing, futés comme ils sont, ont décidé de mettre le paquet sur les nibards des héroïnes du jeu et là on peut franchement dire qu'ils ne sont pas allé de main morte sur le bistouri du chirurgien si on compare avec les précédents opus :
Avec des seins comme ça Ivy (c'est le nom de la fille avec deux ogives nucléaires en guise de poitrine) va finir le jeu avec un mal de dos phénoménal c'est pas possible. Et puis des engins pareils c'est super handicapant pour se bastonner vu que ça doit forcément gêner les mouvements, enfin ça je suppose que tout le monde s'en fout ... - Voyant que le coup de « mettons de la loche ça excite ces idiots de joueurs, lol ! » ça marche drôlement bien la plupart des images et informations qui suivirent l'annonce de l'arrivée du 4ème opus de "Soul Calibur" portèrent encore sur les nibards avec du trèèèèèès gros level comme le personnage de Taki, la ninja équipée d'une tenue spéciale « mise en valeur » du plus belle effet :
L'effet est moins flagrant vu qu'elle a de gros nibards dès le deuxième opus de la série mais quand même sur la dernière image on dirait qu'ils vont exploser tellement ils sont comprimés !
Dans un genre moins violent mais qui permet de montrer à tout le monde les miracles du moteur physique appliqué aux nichons il y a aussi la miss je sais pas comment qu'elle s'appelle (si quelqu'un a son nom et numéro de portable ca m'intéresse !) :
La je ne vous en montre que 3 exemples mais il y en a encore au moins 2/3 du même tonneau a base de vêtements déchirés et de bonnets 210 Z. A noter qu'il semblerait qu'une relation existe entre la taille des seins et la surface d'habits des personnages de Soul Calibur :
Cette relation mathématique vous a été offerte par le comité des Matheux Geek de l'inutile ! En tout cas à ce rythme là d'ici Soul Calibur 6 toutes les filles seront topless avec des seins qui font deux fois leur taille oO - Après avoir bien éclusé le filon du cul les mecs de chez Namco étaient bien embêtés, comment diantre allaient ils bien pouvoir faire encore parler de leur jeu ? « En parlant du gameplay peut être ? » Ah ah ah mais non pauvre naif, le gameplay ça ne se voit pas dans une vidéo donc ça ne sert strictement à rien !! »Bon alors le moteur graphique sinon ?? » Pareil, de belles n'images ça n'impressionne plus personne de nos jours donc c'est inutile de s'acharner dessus !! « Mais, mais alors quoâââââ ??? Crache le morceau vieille radasse !! ». Et bien ils ont, hum, comment dire je n'arrive pas à trouver mes mots ... le mieux est de regarder jusque au bout ce trailer :
Mais que viennent faire Dark Vador et Yoda dans Soul Calibur ???? Pourquoi pas Link ou Spawn pendant qu'on y est ?? Ah, on me signale dans l'oreillette que c'est un très mauvais exemple !
Non mais franchement, si intégrer ces deux personnages qui n'ont strictement rien a voir avec le jeu ce n'est pas juste un vieux coup marketing pourri pour vendre le jeu aux fanboy déchainés de Star Wars je veux bien me taper les testicules sur une table (ça fait très mal faut pas en rire). En plus de ça ça n'a l'air de choquer absolument personne que des sabres lasers censer découper absolument tout, enfin pas tout vu qu'un métal y est résistant (je sais plus lequel par contre) se fasse bloquer par des lances qui ont un manche en bois !!!!111 Depuis quand du bois bloque un sabre laser T___T
Et ce n'est pas tout, les développeurs ont décidés de la jouer Pokémon en intégrant seulement un de ces deux personnage bonus par console, ainsi les possesseurs de PS3 pourront faire joujou avec Darkounet et les possesseurs de Xbox 360 avec Yodadounichou !! Comme ça les vrais fans hardcore pourront se racheter deux jeux et deux consoles c'est chouette.
Si vous vous demandez comment a été décidé "quel personnage ira sur quel console" observez le judicieux choix des couleurs :
Il y a pas a dire ça a du leur demander au moins 2mn de réflexion pour trouver ça, bravo les champions !! - Pour fini en apothéose Namco a dévoilé il y a peu les jaquettes des deux versions du jeu et que voit on apparaitre en fond :
Yoda et Dark Vador, encore !! La ou c'est complètement ridicule c'est que ces deux personnages sont des personnages totalement bonus qui ne font pas parti de l'histoire du jeu, ils n'ont donc logiquement rien a faire en couverture si ce n'est faire de la promo qui sent bon le vomi...
Grâce à cet aperçu du « best of the best » en terme de Marketing à chier vous savez comment vendre vos, peut être, futur jeux : Du cul et Star Wars, le combo gagnant !
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