10 000 : La critique pourrie
Avec un réalisateur comme Roland Emmerich aux commandes, capable du meilleur (Stargate) comme des plus immondes bouses à gros budget, l'avenir de 10 000 a été des plus indécis. Pourquoi "a été" ? Et bien parce que maintenant j'en suis sur : Roland n'avait pas encore touché le fond avec Independance « les américains c'est les meilleurs » Day, loin de là, le salaud devait conserver un marteau piqueur dans sa besace pour aller toujours plus profond !
10 000 : La critique pourrie10 000 c'est l'histoire d'une tribu d'hommes préhistoriques rastas qui chassent peinard des Mammouth jusqu'au jour ou des salauds d'égyptiens viennent piller leur petit village et enlever leurs gonzesses ! Et ça, les hommes préhistorique ils aiment pas qu'on leur pique leurs meufs, du coup ils envoient un petit groupe pour aller les récupérer et péter la gueule à ces salauds de constructeurs de pyramides au passage, histoire de leur apprendre les bonnes manière !!
Comme c'est toujours bien de mettre des images sur des mots voici la bande annonce qui met l'accent sur les effets spéciaux et non pas sur l'histoire je me demande bien pourquoi oO
Au vu de la bande annonce et du « pitch » je m'attendais secrètement à une sorte de mix entre "Braveheart" et "la guerre du feu", ou tout du moins à un film épique qui prend aux tripes et qui déchire la rétine, je me doute bien qu'il ne faut pas trop en demander à un blockbuster. Hélas, j'ai une fois de plus été trompé sur la marchandise. Pendant l'ensemble de la projection j'ai eu l'étrange sentiment que Roland Emmerich s'était lancé dans l'adaptation d'un scénario écrit par un gamin tellement il jette pèle mêle tout et n'importe quoi à l'écran, transformant du même coup son histoire, pourtant simple, en un marasme psychédélique hallucinant. D'ailleurs j'imagine bien le scénariste du film, Jean-Jean 5 ans : « On a qu'a dire que le héros c'est un homme préhistorique troooop fort qui chasse des groooos éléphants poilus ! Et même qu'il a une fiancée trooop jolie avec des yeux bleus mais que elle se fait prendre par des méchants et même, et même ! Et même qu'après il poursuit un méchant dans la jungle pleine d'oiseaux géééants et même que les méchants ils arrivent à s'échapper donc le monsieur préhistorique il doit les suivre et il se fait attaquer par un tigre mais il devient ami avec le tigre et du coup le tigre il l'aide à faire son armée et à attaquer les égyptiens qui sont méchants ! ». Si vous avez déjà entendu un gosse de 5 ans raconter une histoire ça devrait vous donner une idée de ce que ça peut donner sous forme de film
En plus d'être niais le film accumule un nombre absolument invraisemblable d'anachronismes et d'incohérences qui feraient passer Rambo pour un documentaire ! Alors oui je suis bien conscient que le film ne se veut pas réaliste du tout mais dans ce cas pourquoi l'appeler 10 000 BC (« Before Christ » Avant Jean Christophe) si le but n'est pas de l'inclure dans une trame historique ??? Remarquez je suis méchant dans la mesure ou la bande annonce ne trompe pas sur la marchandise, c'est déjà ça mais l'accumulation de n'importe quoi fini par être malgré tout assez pénible on se demande sans cesse qu'elle sera la grosse nazerie suivante « Bon on a déjà eu les autruches géantes de l'apocalypse, le tigre et ensuite ? ». Du coup je suis même déçu de ne pas avoir vu de T-Rex, tant qu'à y aller dans la connerie autant y aller à fond non ?
Les dialogues du film ne sont pas en reste question niaiserie notamment avec l'extraordinaire « Ne me mange pas quand je te sauve la vie ! » que le héros adresse au Tigre à dent de sabre qu'il libère de dessous un arbre, pour un peu je m'attendais presque à voir le fauve lui faire un clin d'œil pour lui dire « Ok, no problemo man je suis cool ! ». Le must reste tout de même les rares échanges entre le héros et sa dulcinée, en particulier ce superbe passage :
- Héros : Tu vois cette lumière [En pointant une étoile du doigt]
- Héroine : Celle là ?
- Héros : Elle ne bouge pas dans le ciel contrairement à toutes les autres ! Cette lumière est comme toi, dans mon cœur, [SUSPENSE !!!!!], elle ne partira jamais ! [Wouhou, on s'y attendais pas du tout, quel lover cet homme des cavernes]
- Héroine : Elle ne partira jamais ? [Je suppose qu'elle redemande pour que le public puisse apprécier pleinement ce dialogue de haute volée]
- Héros : Non, jamais.
Musique ! Larmes ! Le public est conquis ! (Ah ah)
Remarquez je suis très mauvaise langue une fois de plus, si ça se trouve le but était de retranscrire les capacités intellectuelles limités des hommes préhistoriques, dans ce cas c'est une franche réussite je suis bluffé ! Malheureusement, face à une telle niaiserie il est difficile de ressentir une quelconque empathie envers ce héros qui part sauver sa belle, elle peut bien crever tout le monde fini par s'en secouer la nouille.
Un autre gros défaut du film est une très mauvaise gestion de la distance et du temps. On a ainsi le héros qui passe des montagnes enneigées à la jungle luxuriante sans aucune transition, même chose pour le passage jungle / désert. Alors que le film devrait nous donner la sensation d'un très long et difficile voyage on a l'impression que les protagonistes se baladent dans un Disneyland du passé « Hop 200m c'est Village-préhistorique-land ! Hop 300m plus loin c'est Jungle-land... » et du coup tout le souffle épique retombe comme un château de sable sous les coups de pieds vengeurs d'un gamin hystérique ! Le réalisateur pousse même le vice jusqu'à faire dire à un de ses personnages que le désert ou se planque les égyptiens est « trèèèèès loin » ce qui ne les empêchera pas de voyager avec juste leur bite et leur couteau comme s'ils étaient en balade au bois de Boulogne et non pas dans un périple de plusieurs centaines de kilomètres.
Qui dit film niais dit aussi acteurs niais et là pour le coup on peut dire qu'on est drôlement bien servit avec en chef de fil le héros, D'leh, joué par le très mauvais Steven Strait qui, après son seul autre film « Le pacte du sang », confirme qu'il est du même niveau qu'un Hayden Christensen quand il s'agit de jouer comme un pied, la filmographie en moins. Le voir trimballer son air crétin et vide pendant tout le film suffit à détruire les quelques restes d'empathie pour lui que le scénario n'a pas fini de détruire :
Malgré le très bon niveau navet de Steven Strait le prix de l'acteur le plus mauvais du film revient à une actrice, Camilla Belle qui joue le rôle d'Evolet la chère et tendre de D'leh qui se fait gauler par les égyptiens. C'est bien simple on a l'impression qu'elle est sous morphine pendant l'ensemble du film tellement son visage est amorphe, à croire que le réalisateur a oublié de lui dire qu'il ne la prenait pas en photo et que dans un film les gens sont censés bouger ! Bonus spécial avec ses lentilles de contact bleus hyper pas crédibles qui la font ressembler à un extraterrestre, à croire qu'il y a une pénurie d'actrices aux yeux bleus à Hollywood.
Je vous passe le détail complet des mauvais acteurs du film, c'est bien simple il n'y en a à peu près aucun de bon et le seul « valable » (le méchant « dieu » égyptien ) n'apparait en tout et pour tout que 5mn dans tout le film et avec un voile sur la tronche alors c'est pas lui qui pouvait espérer relever le niveau.
Pour finir voici une petite revus de détail des plus grosses incohérences du film hors anachronismes, vous allez voir il y a de quoi faire :
- Aucun des hommes préhistorique du film n'a l'air de souvent se laver les cheveux, voir de se laver tout court, et pourtant ils ont tous des dents blanches éclatantes. C'est vrai, les caries c'est pas très héroïque contrairement aux cheveux gras.
- A un moment, un des hommes préhistorique se fait méchamment blesser à tel point que le héros est obligé de le trainer sur une civière de fortune. Au moment de monter le camps pour la nuit ce dernier part chercher de quoi manger, à son retour il retrouve le blessé, qui était à moitié inconscient jusque là, debout et en pleine forme paré pour continuer l'aventure. Pour seule explication on a le droit à un « Je croyais que tu étais mort !! » ce à quoi le rescapé répond « Ne te fais pas de soucis pour moi » et c'est tout ! Wahou j'ai pas du tout l'impression d'avoir été pris pour un con.
- Le héros arrive à pister le groupe d'égyptien grâce à des bouts de collier que laisse tomber sa chériiiie, au vu de la taille des morceaux je me demande encore comment il fait pour les repérer dans la neige et comment il fait pour avoir le cul assez bordé de nouilles pour passer pile dessus en voyageant au hasard.
- Les mamouths avec une énorme fourrure au beau milieu du désert ! Que l'on se trompe d'époque d'accord mais de lieux bon sang !! Un mammouth dans le désert ça fait pas 20m avant de crever.
Si en plus de tout ça je vous dit que le film fini par le pire Happy End que j'ai vu depuis longtemps , que les rares scènes d'actions sont quasi toutes dans la bande annonce et que certains effets spéciaux laissent à désirer j'espère que vous comprendrez que j'ai trouvé ce film absolument lamentable.
En résumé : 10 000 est un film fondamentalement niais qui n'arrive à aucun moment à donner un souffle épique à son récit. Que ce soit les dialogues creux ou les acteurs insipides on s'ennuie ferme et ce ne sont pas les scènes d'actions qui risquent de sauver l'ensemble tellement celle-ci sont rares et bien souvent bâclés (la grande bataille finale n'a de grande que le nom). Reste de très beaux paysages mais à ce tarif là autant acheter une 10ène de cartes postales.
Note :
(1/10)J'espère que cette critique n'est pas trop « brouillonne » il y a tellement de choses à en dire que j'ai peur de m'être un peu beaucoup paumé en route ^^
- Par | lundi 17 mars 2008 | 17:20
- Commentaires164 commentaires CatégorieCritiquage de films Mots-clés10000, critique, film
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