Sélection des pires spams de type "Enlarge your penis"

Le spam c'est quand même magnifique, entre ceux qui nous promettent de nous « enlarger » le pénis tellement fort qu'on aura l'impression d'avoir un porte avion dans le slibard et ceux pour du viagra permettant de motoculter toute la nuit, le choix est très rude pour l'imprudent qui ose les lire. En effet, face à une concurrence d'offres toutes plus « violentes » les unes que les autres, nos amis vendeurs de kekettes XXL sont obligés d'aller toujours plus loin, plus fort plus vite jusqu'au bout de l'extrême limite tu vas droit au cœur de l’action, c’est ton bonheur, c’est ma passion en nous inventant des slogans bien hardcores !
Au péril de ma vie je suis donc allé fouiller dans ma décharge à mails poubelles pour trouver les perles, le top du top over the top des slogans les plus trash / bizarres / WTF de type « Enlarge your penis / Viagra » histoire d'en faire profiter tous mes amis poètes !! :

Ces « slogans » font appel à la fibre « roliste » de ses destinataires ! Après tout, qui n'a jamais voulu un popole aussi gros que celui d'un orc (ne me demandez surtout pas pourquoi je sais qu'ils sont bien membrés, croyez moi vous voulez pas savoir) ou aussi longue qu'un bâton de mage avec enchantement résistance au feu +5 ??

« Deviens un magicien du sexe !! »
C'est cool la classe de prestige « Magicien du sexe » ça donne +5 de charisme et +10 d'endurance ! Et si en plus vous êtes multiclassé « Paladin du doggy style » alors là vous devenez virtuellement invincible !!1

« Prends en main ton destin !! »
Car comme chacun sait le destin est facilement manipulable avec une grosse kekette ! Ça va faire chialer les astrologues.

Quand le pénis devient une arme !! Safaypeur !

« J'ai fessé ma prof sur le cul !! »
Le plus magnifique dans ce spam c'est le « Les femmes vont vous aimer » (Women will love you) qui suit juste derrière, je ne savais pas que se faire fouetter avec un sexe rendait fou amoureux ! Oubliez donc toutes vos astuces de dragues c'est de la connerie et sortez le PUNISHER de son étui ! J'ai même trouvé une autre magnifique variante :

« Fais lui subir une chevauchée punitive !! »

« Punis la, donne lui du plaisir »
Au choix je suppose, c'est probablement de la que vient le « prend en main ton destin », tout s'explique oO

Si vous ne vous enlargez pas le pénis pour vous même, soyez sympa et faites le pour le bien de votre entourage :

« Surprend ta femme »
Chérie, pour la St Valentin j'ai trouvé ton cadeau ! Tu vas aaa-dooo-rer !
En bonus une variante :

« Donne a ta copine le cadeau parfait quand elle enlève ton boxer »

« STP n'oublies pas ça ! Le vrai trophée pour elle est dans ton pantalon »
Ouais, oublies pas quoi mec, sois cool, penses à ta femme merde, fais pas ta sale radasse d'égoiste !

« Je voulais impressionner des amis »
Je crois que ce qui me choque le plus dans ce spam c'est d'imaginer un mec montrer son sgoueg à tous ses potes histoire de leurs en mettre plein la vue « Vise le paquebot mec !! Tranquille tavuuuu ! ».
Variante :

« Sois au coeur de toutes les discussions avec ta nouvelle circonférence et diamètre »

« Clic ici pour améliorer ta potence ! Garde tes filles en bonne santé et heureuses »
Avoir un gros sexe apporte santé et bonheur à tous ceux qui en profitent ! Du coup je me demande pourquoi il y a encore des scientifiques qui cherchent des médicaments alors qu'apparemment un bon gros coup de potence je suis subjugué par la qualité de cette métaphore fait des miracles.

Un peu de poésie dans ce monde de démesure ça peut pas faire de mal

« La plus longue bite est le plus court chemin jusqu'au coeur d'une femme »
Euh, attendez une seconde ! On parle d'amour ou de chirurgie cardio-vasculaire là j'ai peur ??

« Je voulais une expérience spirituelle »
Dans ce cas fallait lire un bouquin sur le bouddhisme banane !

Pour se démarquer rien de tel que de faire encore plus démesuré que la concurrence :

« Obtiens une tige de dimensions colossales »
CO-LO-SSALE !! Ça fait peur. A noter le magnifique « Mon arme d'amour récemment upgradée » (My recently upgraded love weapon) qui aurait pu entré dans la catégorie RPG Staïl.

« Rend ta chose aussi grande que la vie »
Wahou, aussi grande que la vie !! Ça doit pas être pratique un engin pareil mais bon c'est vrai au moins « on est sur qu'elle marche parfaitement » (to make sure they performed effectively), ah ah. J'attend avec impatience le prochain spam qui parlera de « Rend ton sgoueg aussi grand que 3 univers + 2cm » je ne vois plus que ça pour pouvoir lutter oO

Le « meilleur » pour la fin, voici du spam de trèèèès haut vol

« Le nouveau monde attend son leader ! »
Mais que peuvent bien fumer les mecs qui font ces mails pour inventer des trucs pareils ? C'est hallucinant de n'importe quoi, je suis subjugué et attéré tout à la fois, le "leader du nouveau monde" mouhahahahAAAAAHHHAAHHA !!1

« C'est l'heure du marteau piqueur »
« Stop ! Hammer Time ! » c'est dépassé depuis longtemps oO
Ah, un billet plein de poésie et de finesse ah ah comme je les aime d'ailleurs vous noterez que je l'ai rangé dans la catégorie fourre tout ... Si vous aussi vous avez des « perles » à faire partager « LACHEZ TON COM !! ».

Si tu possèdes un compte scoopeo "Enlarge le nombre de votes !":
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