Analyse de trois publicités merdiques

Les pubs ont la fâcheuse tendance à nous prendre tous pour une bande de gros demeurés, ça ne serait pas encore trop grave si on en voyait peu mais l'ennui c'est que ces saletés ont une capacité de bourrage de mou phénoménale, pas moyen de regarder la télé sans en croiser toutes les 30mn (en même temps qu'elle idée de regarder la télé quand on peut schtroumpfer en P2P les trucs sympa qu'il y a dessus, mais chut c'est illégal et si ça s'apprend le GIGN va venir vous coincer les doigts dans une porte en guise de punition, faut pas rigoler avec le piratage !!). Dans le plus grand style de l'hôpital qui se moque de la charité je contribue à cette invasion depuis que j'ai mis des pubs sur le blog, j'avoue c'est la grosse honte mais vu que Rotschild m'a pas filé ses grosses bourses je suis obligé de me prostituer au dieu du marketing T__T du coup je me sens sali dedans mon corps et je me venge en crachant ma haine, la lose !
"Queuahahah, mais c'est pas vrai, les pubs sont pas méchantes c'est même rigolo parfois !" Mouhahaha, au premier abord peut-être, c'est ce qui les rends plus sournoises qu'une alliance entre un Chacal et un Fennec tout deux dopés aux Stéroïdes, mais il faut toujours garder plusieurs choses en tête quand on regarde des publicités pour que ça devienne d'un seul coup vraiment moins funesque :
- Le but premier des pubs est de nous faire acheter quelque chose, pas de nous divertir !
- Les pubs disent toutes en substance : "Tu es un gros blaireau si tu achètes pas mon produit et même les trottoirs te cracheront dessus si tu fais ta radasse !"
- Les pubs nous montrent un bonheur/vie parfaite stéréotypé qui n'existe même pas pour nous faire croire que nos vies sont merdiques à côté et que le seul moyen d'espérer approcher ce bonheur illusoire et de cracher au bassinet !
- Les pubs nous prennent pour une grosse bande d'obsédés débiles et jouent à mort sur nos besoins primaires (principalement : niquer / dominer les autres)
En bref les pubs sont pour la plupart insultantes pour peu qu'on y fasse attention ! Je ne sais plus qui disait que si l'on parlait au gens dans la réalité comme on s'adresse aux gens dans les publicités on se prendrait un pain sur le coin de la tronche (si quelqu'un a la citation exacte ça m'arrangerait, la ça fait vieux plouc qui connait pas ses réfèrences :p) et c'est vraiment vrai véritable.
"Blablabla, sale aigri pabô ! Arrête de voir le mal partout sinon je te jette des petits cailloux dans les yeux !" Mais mais, saypakrégentils ça T__T, enfin plutôt que de faire de la philo à deux roupis sur pourquoi la publicité est vilaine j'ai pris mon courage à deux mains (c'est lourd à porter le courage) et je me suis fait saigner les yeux sur la télévision, notamment sur une chaine que je ne citerais pas mais dont le nom me permet de faire deux jeux de mots ultra moisis : "Tu as faim ?" ou encore "Tu es fin ?" !! Oui c'est lamentable.
3 litres de collyre plus tard je vous ai dégoté 3 pubs bien nazes qui illustrent mon propos, analysons donc tout ce bazar :

Pour celle là vous allez probablement dire que je cherche vraiment trop loin et pourtant... Mais analysons un peu le bazar, mis à part le fait que la pub est vraiment nulle à en vomir (j'avoue j'ai triché je me suis mis les doigts dans la gorge) comme la plupart des pubs de produits ménager le message qui passe en filigrane est assez magnifique de gros bullshit et de foutage de gueule :
Dans cette pub deux personnages "s'opposent" : La mère/belle mère qui incarne en quelque sorte le "passé" et la jeune fille qui elle est "l'avenir". Comme on le sait bien l'image de la belle mère est pas franchement reluisante généralement, ce qui en fait quasi dès le début un personnage pas forcément bien sympathique. Cet effet est accentué ensuite par la voix de cette mère/belle-mère, plutot âpre, qui attaque direct la pub par une phrase qui sonne aggressif "J'peu pas croire que tu lave le blanc et les couleurs dans la même machine !!!" dis sur le ton de "Vazy comment j'y crois trop pas que tu mélanges tout grosse noob ! Lol !". A ce personnage est opposé la jeune fille habillé de couleur "chatoyantes" et qui a une voix très agréable et enjouée, normal puisqu'elle utilise Décolor Stop cette grosse ouf !!
"Euh, oui mais en quoi c'est insultant ça ?" Et bien tout simplement parce que le Spectateur qui n'a pas craché au bassinet pour acheter le produit = Belle Mère et que la pub nous montre en quelque sorte qu'on deviendra jeune, charmante et souriante si on carre des feuilles de papier absorbants pourris dans son lave linge ! Et ce n'est pas tout, naïf que nous sommes, le coup de grâce est asséné sur la fin de la pub avec la jeune fille qui se la pète à mort (regardez son petit air satisfait de radasse) parce qu'elle a tout foutu son linge en vrac "Toutes ces années à trier ton linge pour rien" (traduisible par "Ah ah ah, je t'ai trop ouned la vieille").
Attendez, le plus magnifique est à venir avec la réponse de la mère/belle-mère : "C'est vrai c'est idiot !!" ARG ! OMG ! Le public tout entier vient de se faire insulter un grand coup dans sa tronche, comme ça, ni vu ni connu, parce qu'est ce qu'elle veut dire finalement cette dernière phrase ? Tout stupidement : "Les gens qui achètent pas Décolor Stop en plus d'être de sales aigris qui puent SONT DES IDIOTS !!" Et vlan, emballé c'est pesé, reste plus qu'à lâcher ses biftons pour plus avoir la honte !!

La série des dernières publicités 9 Télécom est probablement la série de publicités la plus ouvertement foutage de gueule, on y atteint des niveaux de mépris des spectateurs/consommateurs proprement hallucinant et le pire c'est que c'est typiquement ce genre de création que beaucoup vont trouver funs ou amusantes. Mais ce n'est pas drôle boudiou ! Cette pub nous prend pour de gros pervers de merde et dit en substance : "Les gens vont aller chez 9 Telecom si on leur montre de la loche parce qu'ils sont dirigés par leur bite ces débiles !" Ni plus ni moins et le tout avec le sourire bien sur ! Si encore cette publicité était une parodie de pub ou une satire du marketing l'idée serait superbement trouvée mais non, le but est une fois de plus de faire vendre en flattant nos bas instinct et le tout sans même se cacher sous un soit disant "esthétisme", j'en suis encore tout énervé dedans mon corps :'(

Quand je regarde cette pub je ne peux pas m'empêcher de me demander quels évènements traumatisants les mecs qui ont fait cette pub ont vécu au cours de leur existance, qu'est ce qui a bien pu leur passer par la tête à part du vent pour pondre CA !! Ils ont fait un brainstorming à la vodka frelaté ou quoi ?
La pub commence tranquillement, normalement, avec la brave femme toute parfaite dans sa superbe maison toute parfaite avec son joli panier à légume (tout parfait aussi), quand soudain, c'est le drame !! ELLE A UNE SALOPERIE D'ALIEN DANS LE BIDE !!! AAAAAH MAIS QUE FAIS RIPLEY ??!!

Toutes les images traumatisantes des films Aliens me sont revenus en un flash la première fois que j'ai vu cette pub, c'est hyper effrayant !! J'imagine bien le dialogue qui a mené à cette idée pourrie tiens :
- Jean-Robert, publicitaire : Bon sang, hier j'ai vu un pur film de malade mental ! Alien que ça s'appelait
- Hubert, publicitaire : Ah ouais, trop génial ce film, avec l'alien qui lui sort du bide c'est vraiment trop lol.
- Jean-Robert, publicitaire : Trop, en plus il a une tête toute mignonne j'étais trop ému de voir ca
- Hubert, publicitaire : Tiens au fait, tu as fini la publicité pour les sandwich Daunat, le client vient nous voir cette après midi ??
- Jean-Robert, publicitaire : OMG non, j'ai rien foutu du tout, merde merde merde, faut vite trouver quelque chose !!
- Hubert, publicitaire : Pas de panique tu m'as donné une idée, on va faire un truc qui sort du bide de quelqu'un pour bouffer le sandwich ! Ca sera trop la classe, par contre pour pas trop choquer dans les chaumières on aura qu'a faire un genre d'alien tout rose
- Jean-Robert, publicitaire : Pas bête, mais un alien tout rose c'est tout trouvé, c'est un bébé !!
Et c'est ainsi que cette publicité est née (enfin s'est extirpée des tripes fumantes d'une victime à l'agonie serait plus exact) !
Comme quoi les pubs c'est quand même bien laid quand ça veut. J'espère que le thème vous aura plu, si c'est le cas je pourrais bien décortiquer deux trois autres pubs bien laides, il y a de quoi faire à ce niveau là, et puis comme ça ça me fera encore saigner les yeux bande de sadiques !
Hop, une image bonus pour vous nettoyer les yeux de toutes ces horreurs :

Pour encore plus de pubs nazes rendez vous sur ce billet !
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