Les superhéros du quotidien - Extrait teasing of zi mort mortelle !

Au lieu de tenter de vous soudoyer avec ma technique des yeux de Bambi et de la voix tremblotante « lisez 42 pliiiiz » je vous propose plutôt un extrait d’un des (forcément) formidable article que j’ai rédigé pour le numéro 5 de juin ! Comme le thème de ce numéro porte sur les ninja, le gros extrait que je vous propose est sur les super héros, oui, c’est ça aussi l’inutilisme ! Oh, et avant que j’oublie, en réponse à toutes les remarques désobligeantes qui ne manqueront pas de fleurir en commentaire :

Oui, en ce moment ma priorité c’est 42. Oui, vu que mon temps n’est pas extensible à l’infini, Nioutaik passe en second plan est n’est plus beaucoup mis à jour ! Mais non, ce blog n’est pas mort, il a déjà été mis en pause auparavant c’est pas une de plus qui va le canner. Ensuite, que ce soit pour 42 ou ce blog, j’écris toujours des articles, ils sont toujours mi-stupide mi-sérieux mi-cynico-ironiques, et si le seul fait qu’ils changent de support (omg du pdf) vous rebute bah, je n’ai qu’une chose à vous dire : ornithorynque ! Je vous kiffe grave le body malgré tout, changez pas !!1

Bref, place à la lecture de stupidités :

Les super-héros n'existent pas uniquement dans les comics, les films ratés et les fantasmes sexuels déviants de Polo ! Ils sont partout autour de nous, parfois parmi nos proches, totalement inconnus du grand public. Qui sont-ils ? En êtes-vous un sans même le savoir ? Comment les reconnaître alors qu'ils ne portent pas de costumes flashy chourés à un danseur de la gay pride ? Brendon finira-t-il par demander Brenda en mariage malgré son aventure avec Brendy et son cancer en phase terminale depuis maintenant 6 ans ? Tant de questions sans réponse que ce dossier spécial "Super-héros du quotidien" entend bien dévoiler. Bref, préparez-vous à voir le monde avec un œil neuf, comme après une overdose de collyre !

Comme je sais que c'est la question qui brûle les lèvres de tout le monde, je préfère casser le suspense tout de suite : oui, Brendon épousera bien Brenda mais il la trompera juste après avec le chien du jardinier qui se révèlera être en réalité sa mère ! Avec cette information vous voilà tranquille pour au moins 5 saisons des feux de l'amour ! De rien ! Concernant les autres questions, pour y répondre le plus simple est encore de vous lister les principaux héros du quotidien que je connais, vous allez vite vous rendre compte que vous en avez déjà forcément croisé quelques-uns :

----------------=MATERNITY=------------------------
"Il est beau hein ?"
DESCRIPTION : Maternity est une super-héroïne très répandue puisqu'à peu près 95 % des jeunes mamans finissent par acquérir ses super-pouvoirs redoutablement pénibles. Sa principale capacité est de parvenir à détourner avec une efficacité incroyable toutes les conversations pour les recentrer sur son enfant chéri dont tout le monde se fout comme de la faim dans le monde bah oui, ça ne touche que les pauvres. À voir en action c'est absolument fascinant, tous les prétextes, même les plus bidons, sont bons pour parler de "mon doudou d'amour en sucre d'orge au miel que si je continue à lire ce surnom sirupeux je vais faire une indigestion alimentaire grave". Le pire c'est que Maternity parvient toujours à ses fins car personne n'ose jamais rebuter une jeune môman transie d'amûûr. Exemple de sa surpuissance :

Anonyme : L'angoisse ! J'ai crevé un pneu et j'ai perdu le contrôle de ma voiture !! J'ai fauché deux passants, je vais aller en tôle ma vie est fichue T___T

Maternity : Ah, ça me fait penser à mon doudou ! Il adooooore jouer avec des voitures en plastique, il les fait rouler partout et comme toi il s'amuser à écraser ses Playmobil *étoiles dans les yeux*

A noter qu'elle n'a même pas besoin qu'une réelle discussion s'engage pour déclencher son pouvoir :

Anonyme :Oh, salut Maternity !! Desolé j'ai pas le temps de parler, je vais faire caca.

Maternity : Incroyable ! Tout pareil que mon doudou !! Ce midi il a coulé un bronze sur son pot pour la première fois. C'est le plus beau jour de ma vie même si ça sentait la mort partout dans la baraque :')

Inutile d'essayer de lutter, c'est perdu d'avance (pas pour rien que c'est un super-pouvoir). L'effet est encore plus dévastateur quand Maternity est entourée d'ex-Maternity : elles profiteront de l'occasion pour raconter comment leurs enfants respectifs étaient encore plus géniaux que celui de leurs voisines. Oui, comme un vulgaire concours de taille de sayxe...

Heureusement, il existe un moyen d'exploiter le super-pouvoir de Maternity pour rire un bon coup. Cette super-héroïne est ainsi extrêmement sensible au troll, même le plus évident, pour peu qu'il ait un rapport avec son mioche et croyez-moi, la voir s'énerver pour rien compense amplement tous les "Mon doudou il fait ci ! Mon doudou il fait ça !" Tu sais ce qu'il te dit le doudou !?? Il va t'en coller une dans le pif si tu arrêtes paaaAAAS !!§§§§ Voici quelques sujets testés et approuvés :

"Je comprends vraiment pas les femmes qui allaitent leur mioche ! Le lait industriel c'est nettement plus sain" (ou vice versa en fonction des Maternity)
"Queuah, tu laisses ton enfant dormir sur le ventre !! N'importe quoi il va s'étouffer"
"Ton gosse a 6 mois et il parle pas encore oO !!! C'est pas normal, t'es sûre qu'il est pas un peu attardé ?"

C'est radical mais un peu dangereux.

ACOLYTE : Généralement Maternity n'agit pas seule, elle est aidée par Paternity, son alter-ego testiculaire. Paternity fonctionne un peu différemment de Maternity, son pouvoir tenant plus de l'agression visuelle que verbale. Vous ne pouvez d'ailleurs pas le rater, c'est le gars qui a toujours plein de dessins atroces faits pas des enfants visiblement psychotiques au feutre fluo accrochés partout sur son bureau, à croire qu'il cherche à rendre aveugle (ou dingue) tout son entourage. Mais ceci n'est qu'un avant-goût de son vrai pouvoir : Il est capable de transformer instantanément n'importe quel être humain en un immonde hypocrite, c'est terrifiant. Pour bien comprendre comme il s'y prend voici une reconstitution en direct live du cerveau d'une des innombrables victimes de ce monstre :

Paternity : Yo Robert, tu veux voir une photo de mon fils ? *Fait mine d'ouvrir son portefeuille*

*Voix intérieure de Robert* Merde merde merde !! Bien sur que non je veux pas voir la sale tête de ton chiard !! Si j'en ai pas fait moi-même c'est pas pour me fader la tronche de cake de ceux des autres !! En plus s'il est moche je vais devoir sortir un mensonge alors non non non et NON !! Range ce portefeuille tout de suite !!!1

Robert : Bien sur, j'adorerais *sourire forcé*

Paternity (qui n'a même pas attendu la réponse) : Il est beau hein ??

*Voix intérieure de Robert* Ca dépend, si on considère qu'un chacal mort est beau alors ton fils est juste "mignon". Rhô purée c'est atroce ! Je suis sûr que si on organisait un concours de beauté entre un poulet aux hormones, un phacochère alcoolique et ton chiard il serait capable de perdre ! Si je pouvais remonter le temps de 2 min je me crèverais les yeux pour m'épargner plusieurs années de rêves glauques au cours desquels je suis attaqué par un nourrisson boursouflé !! Pourquoi j'ai dit oui bon sang *sanglots*

Robert : Ooh, il est adorable, il a tes yeux !

Bon, j'ai un peu exagéré (a peine) mais c'est pour bien comprendre la souffrance intérieure des victimes du pouvoir de Paternity donc, un conseil, quand vous le voyez sortir son portefeuille : FUYEZ ! Comme pour Maternity il est heureusement possible de rire à ses dépens. Comment ? Simple, la prochaine fois que vous croisez ce super-héros à la noix et qu'il vous montre la photo de son mioche répondez simplement "Oh il est mignon ! Il ressemble vachement à Jean-Bernard, tu sais, le mec de la compta qui bosse avec ta femme. Tu trouves pas ?" et regardez-le paniquer. Qu'il est agréable d'être mesquin :')

NEMESIS : Le pire ennemi de Maternity et Paternity est Narcissus, le seul super-héros capable de détourner l'attention générale des "mon doudou saileméilleur" vers sa petite personne. Par contre attention, à pouvoirs égaux, Narcissus et Maternity peuvent entrer dans une boucle infinie : "C'est mon doudou le plus fort ! Non c'est moi ! Non c'est doudou ! Nan c'est moi ! Doudou ! Moi (x500)"

Teasing

La suite dans le numéro 5 de 42 téléchargeable ici :

[PAGE DE TELECHARGEMENT DU NUMERO 5 DE 42]
En plus de cet article vous pourrez découvrir deux autres articles made by moi (voir colonne de droite du blog, je liste tous les mois les articles en question) [/narcissisme] ainsi qu’une foultitude de niouzes, de jeux et autres dossiers réalisé par les 13 awesomeflyingsauce membres de la rédaction !!

Bonne lecture, n’hésitez pas à venir insulter/commenter/filer-vos-numéros-de-cb sur le forum du mag (voir ici même, comme pour les skybloggeurs je vie grâce aux comz de mon blog) pour nous aider à améliorer le bazar tous les mois ! Après tout, ce n’est pas parce qu’on fait de la merde que ça doit en avoir le goût !1

Par CerberusXt | lundi 1 juin 2009 | 12:26
|Plus
Commentaires302 commentaires CatégorieLe blog Mots-clés42 numéro 5, Nioutaik c'est pareil mais en différent alors tu arrêtes ce mag pourri, Oh non pas encore 42
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