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L’arche de Noé, c’est vraiment n’importe quoi !

Arche de noé

Plus jeune, comme tous les enfants, j’étais très crédule et moche mais ça c’est pas ma faute, c’est la génétique et mes besoins compulsifs de me frotter à des murs en crépis. On pouvait me faire gober n’importe quoi comme l’existence du Père Noël, la petite souris et le respect des droits de l’homme dans les pays développés. Hélas, un jour, mes illusions se sont brisées. Je m’en souviens comme si c’était hier :

  • Mamaaaaan ! J’ai pas d’argent sous mon oreiller, la petite souris est même pas passée pour ma molaire, ouiiiiiiiiin !

  • Mouhahahaha ! Chéri viens voir, quand il pleure on dirait une truite trisomique ! Tu croyais vraiment que c’était la petite souris toutes ces années ? Tu sais, la seule chose qu’une vraie souris aurait pu te donner, c’est le CHOLERA !!!!1

A cet instant, comme un flash, tout fut clair ! Oui-Oui, chauffeur de taxi de 8 ans qui arrive à se payer une baraque alors qu’on ne le voit jamais transporter personne dans sa bagnole moche ? Mensonge ! Les Télétubbies qui immigrent clandestinement sur notre planète et qu’on ne renvoie pas dans leur pays avec 300 euros et un coup de pied au fion ? Encore un mensonge ! J’étais devenu un enfant neuf !

Malheureusement, les Créationnistes n’ont pas eu la chance d’avoir des parents aussi compréhensifs et attentionnés que les miens et c’est pourquoi, ils continuent à interpréter la bible de manière entièrement littérale. Car oui, derrière leurs attaques contre la théorie de l’évolution pleines de mots savants pour tenter de se donner une crédibilité et qui peut donner l’impression que ce sont des personnes censées, ils sont persuadés que la Bible est la parole divine et que tout ce qui y est écrit est pure vérité historique ! Comment peut on les en blâmer ? Tout le monde sait qu’un bouquin reproduit mille fois par des moines copistes manchots et traduit à la truelle par une ribambelle d’analphabètes à partir d’un agglomérat de textes plagiés sur d’anciennes religions polythéistes ne peut pas se tromper, en plus dieu a une petite bite (tant qu’a bruler en enfer pour cette phrase, autant que ca vaille le coup).

Arche de noé

Mais tout cela n’est pas un problème pour les vrais extrémistes religieux, car ils ne pensent pas comme nous. Eux, ils raisonnent en circulaire, c’est plus efficace :

Raisonnement circulaire
Marche avec le coran, la torah et la liste des ingrédients sur les pots de sauce bolognaise aka le grand livre saint du grand dieu de spaghetti.

C’est absolument brillant et ça marche avec tout ! Mettons que vous vouliez prouver que la pluie est le crachat divin du grand chacal de l’espace, rien de plus simple en logique circulaire :

Le grand chacal de l’espace existe, donc la pluie que l’on voit tomber sur terre est son crachat divin et comme la pluie qui tombe sur terre est son crachat divin, cela prouve que le grand chacal de l’espace existe !!

Arche de noé

C’est magique. D’ailleurs, si vous voulez voir ce raisonnement circulaire en action, je vous en ai compilé un florilège sur cette belle page, en joie !

Mais alors, s’ils croient dur comme fer à la Bible, comment justifient-il scientifiquement les incohérences incroyables d’une des clé de voute sur laquelle repose tout leur "Intelligent design" : l’Arche de Noé et le déluge, déluge censé avoir façonné le monde tel que nous le connaissons ? Vous allez voir, c’est beau à pleurer !



Champignon Un prélude alakon

Il ne faut pas attendre plus de 4 versets de la Genèse pour mettre les pieds dans une grosse connerie qui sent :

"L'Éternel vit que la méchanceté des hommes était grande sur la terre, et que toutes les pensées de leur cœur se portaient chaque jour uniquement vers le mal. L'Éternel se repentit d'avoir fait l'homme sur la terre, et il fut affligé en son cœur. Et l'Éternel dit: J'exterminerai de la face de la terre l'homme que j'ai créé, depuis l'homme jusqu'au bétail, aux reptiles, et aux oiseaux du ciel; car je me repens de les avoir faits." (Genèse 6.5 à 6.8)

Mais c’est complètement débile ! Aux dernières nouvelles, dieu est omniscient donc il est censé connaître tout, le passé, le présent, le futur et pourquoi les gens appuient plus fort sur les touches de leur clavier quand celui ci ne marche pas alors que ça ne sert à rien !! Il aurait donc dû savoir que l’homme merderait, si ça le faisait tant chier que ça il pouvait aussi bien ne pas le créer ou le "corriger". Surtout qu’au final, toute cette extermination ne change strictement rien comme le prouve un des derniers verset de l’histoire de Noé :

"L'Éternel sentit une odeur agréable, et l'Éternel dit en son coeur: Je ne maudirai plus la terre, à cause de l'homme, parce que les pensées du coeur de l'homme sont mauvaises dès sa jeunesse; et je ne frapperai plus tout ce qui est vivant, comme je l'ai fait." (Génèse 8.21)

Et il t’as fallu un Holocauste total pour t’en rendre compte gros naze !?! Action divine la plus inutile jamais vue !

Arche de noé

Bon, j’exagère, l’holocauste n’est pas total puisque dieu a décidé d’épargner Noé et sa famille. Pourquoi lui ? Personne n’en sait foutre rien :

"Mais Noé trouva grâce aux yeux de l'Éternel. Voici la postérité de Noé. Noé était un homme juste et intègre dans son temps; Noé marchait avec Dieu. La terre était corrompue devant Dieu, la terre était pleine de violence. Dieu regarda la terre, et voici, elle était corrompue; car toute chair avait corrompu sa voie sur la terre. Alors Dieu dit à Noé: La fin de toute chair est arrêtée par devers moi; car ils ont rempli la terre de violence; voici, je vais les détruire avec la terre." (Génèse 6.9 à 6.14)

En plus de radoter, dieu a de vrais problèmes de précision. "Juste et intègre" basé sur quel critère ?? Les 10 commandements ne sont même pas censés encore exister (et donc la morale selon les créationnistes) alors comment savoir qui fait bien ou mal ? Et les enfants ? Ils se mangent un falcon punch dans le bide parce que leurs parents ont été vilains sans le savoir ? Et les animaux ? Et la tête ? Alouette ?

Là c’est un peu comme si une maitresse d’école laissait sa classe d’enfants de 7 ans libres de faire n’importe quoi, sans règle et, quand ils l’ont bien gonflée, elle les chope un par un pour tous les noyer dans les chiottes, tous sauf le petit à lunette qui lui sert de fayot au premier rang !

Mais bon, j’imagine que je vois le mal partout, la bible dit que Dieu est amour et compréhension alors ça doit être vrai !



Champignon La construction de l’arche

Maintenant que dieu est décidé à noyer la face de tout le monde pour rien au lieu de simplement les faire disparaître d’un claquement de doigt (il a dû perdre le mode d’emploi après avoir créé l’univers en 6 jours), Noé doit sauver ses miches et celle des animaux. Heureusement, le psychotique qui lui sert de divinité lui donne des instructions d’une grande précision pour y parvenir :

"Fais-toi une arche de bois de gopher; tu disposeras cette arche en cellules, et tu l'enduiras de poix en dedans et en dehors. Voici comment tu la feras: l'arche aura trois cents coudées de longueur, cinquante coudées de largeur et trente coudées de hauteur. Tu feras à l'arche une fenêtre, que tu réduiras à une coudée en haut; tu établiras une porte sur le côté de l'arche; et tu construiras un étage inférieur, un second et un troisième." (Génèse 6.14 à 6.16)

Ouais, merci Dieu, t’es gentil, des instructions aussi vagues ça va bien l’aider l’autre Noé. C’est un peu comme si j’allais demander au premier pélo que je croise dans la rue de me construire une navette spatiale avec siège en cuir et capot carbone et que je lui disais, pour l’aider : elle fera 400m de haut, sera en titane avec un hublot à l’avant ! Va y champion !

Arche de noé

Mais soit, je suis prêt pour cette fois à admettre l’"argument" créationniste (si on peut appeler argument un deus ex machina) selon lequel Dieu aurait transmis télépathiquement l’ensemble des plans à Noé et une ceinture noire troisième Dan de menuiserie. Attention à ne pas trop abuser de ce Joker bande de créationnistes galopins !

Ce n’est pas le tout d’avoir les plans, il va falloir maintenant m’expliquer comment Noé va défier les lois de la physique pour construire un bateau en bois de 300 coudées de longueur (environ 138 mètres) quand tous les constructeurs de bateaux en bois de l’histoire de l’humanité confirment, morts atroces à l’appui, que dépasser 100m de longueur avec ce type de matériau pour un bateau censé voguer en pleine mer est du pur suicide. Les seuls navires qui ont réussi à dépasser cette longueur contenaient des armatures en acier et ils prenaient l’eau comme c’est pas permis, à cause des jointures des planches soumises à de très fort stress qui les déjointaient, ce qui obligeait à pomper en permanence pour ne pas couler. Ce n’est pas pour rien que, plus la technique avançait, plus les bateaux en bois était construit haut et court au lieu de long et bas !

Arche de noé

Avec un bateau tout en longueur comme celui là, les efforts dans la partie centrale auraient été simplement monstrueux grâce au miracle d’un principe bien connu : le bras de levier (bon c’est plus compliqué que ça vu qu’il y a des efforts dans tous les axes mais c’est pour illustrer)! Si vous ne me croyez pas, essayez de tordre une tige de bois de 1m en la tenant à deux mains par le milieu et en poussant avec vos pouces au centre, c’est très dur, faites de même en plaçant vos mains à chaque extrémités et poussez à nouveau au milieu, magique, c’est vachement plus facile. Un bateau trop long, soumis au flots déchainés d’un déluge divin subirait des efforts monstrueux à chacune de ces extrémités qui impliquerait un stresse énorme sur le milieu de la coque, la fendant simplement en deux. Pour ne rien arranger, il y a une énorme porte SUR LE COTÉ de la coque (bah oui, faut bien faire rentrer des dinosaures) qui fragilise énormément la structure. Et même si cela ne le pétait pas, rien que le "lancement" du bateau est foireux. Noé le construit sur la terre ferme alors que l’équation bateau trop long + échoué sur un récif + vague = désastre ! Si vous ne me croyez pas (et vous avez bien raison, je suis un hérétique), rappelez vous l’Amoco Cadiz, super tanker en acier pété en deux par la force des vagues après s’être retrouvé bloqué sur un récif au large de l’Angleterre.

Arche de noé

Arche de noé

Et tout ça c’est sans même avoir étudié les problèmes de flottabilité. Tel que la décrivent les créationnistes, l’arche est censée être une "boite" quasiment sans quille (le truc sous les bateau qui permet de faire baisser leur centre de gravité pour qu’ils ne la joue pas 20 000 lieux sous les mers au premier clapotis), histoire d’exploiter au maximum l’espace "autorisé" par dieu.

Arche de noé

Vous allez me dire, "on s’en fout, les barges à fond plat existent bien ! Enlarge ta péniche sale moche !". Oui, ça existe, mais cela ne fonctionne que dans les cours d’eau peu profonds, le genre de cours d’eau sans élément perturbateur capable de secouer le bateau façon épileptique devant un stroboscope, comme, au pif, des vagues monstrueuses générées par un déluge cataclysmique ! Ce n’est pas pour rien que la série télé chiante, l’homme de Picardie, ne s’appelle pas l’homme de l’Atlantique sinon elle aurait duré 20s et aurait été awesome !

Arche de noé

Bon, mais admettons qu’un bateau défiant toute logique d’architecture navale puisse fonctionner grâce à un nouveau miracle divin sorti du chapeau, encore faut il le construire et ce n’est pas gagné d’avance.

Pour mémoire, en comptant Noé, sa femme et ses fils, cela fait 8 pélos pour construire le plus gros bateau de bois de l’histoire humaine. Alors certes, au premier abord, comme ils ont 100 ans devant eux pour le faire (cherchez pas, Noé a vécu trouzmilles années), cela semblerait presque possible, mais ce serait oublier que la construction de bateaux de guerre en bois à l’époque de Louis XIV par exemple (bateaux faisant au maximum 80m de long), nécessitaient au bas mot 3 ans de travail pour 300 ouvriers expérimentés. Grâce à mes incroyables compétences en calcul mental de niveau primaire, ramené à 8 glandus cela donne 112.5 ans de travail et ce pour un bateau quasiment deux fois plus petit que l’arche.

Heureusement, les créationnistes ont une explication pour ça aussi "Noé aurait très bien pu recruter du monde pour se faire aider gros naze !!". Ah, d’accord, mais dans ce cas cela fait de Noé le meilleur menteur et le plus gros connard de l’histoire humaine :

  • Yo Noé ! J’ai rien contre bosser pour toi pour pas un rond, t’as une bonne tête et tout, mais, je me demandais, pourquoi tu veux construire un zoo flottant sur la terre ferme à trouzmilles bornes du premier cours d’eau ?

  • Alors d’abord, ce n’est pas un zoo flottant mais une péniche magique pauvre naze ! Ensuite, je fais ce que je veux, c’est moi le chef, retourne au boulot ou tu vas te retrouver aux Assedics qui n’existent pas encore et tu seras bien emmerdé !!

Parce bon, ma très grande expérience dans le domaine psychosocial du monde de l’entreprise me laisse penser que s’il avait répondu "c’est pour me sauver les miches ! Par contre vous, vous allez tous crever !! Mouhahahaha", il aurait eu des problèmes avec les représentants syndicaux !

La main d’œuvre ne fait pas tout, il y a un autre problème de taille à affronter : le pourrissement du bois lorsque la construction d’un bateau prend trop longtemps avant sa mise à l’eau. C’était d’ailleurs un des principaux problème lorsque la construction s’étalait sur 3 ou 4 années. "Mais tu sais pas lire ou quoi hérétique !! C’est bien pour ça que dieu lui dit d’enduire tout ça de pois, tu peux pas test !".

De la pois, vraiment ? Tu veux parler de la pois l’hydrocarbure et pas le petit machin vert et rond qui est très bon avec des carottes n’est ce pas ? Parce que si c’est le cas il va falloir m’expliquer comment Noé a trouvé du fracking hydrocarbure alors que les Créationnistes affirment que tout le pétrole et le charbon de la terre a été créé par le déluge qui a compressé les matières organique de "l’ancien monde" ?! Sans déluge, pas d’hydrocarbure, la moindre des choses quand on défend une théorie c’est qu’elle soit logique avec elle même !

Arche de noé

Bref, maintenant que Noé a construit sa péniche magique qui crache sur toutes les lois de la physique et qu’il la enduite d’un hydrocarbure qui n’existait pas avec l’aide d’ouvriers bénévoles sacrifiables, il faut la remplir de bestiaux.



Champignon Animaux & Logistique

Et là, ça part mal avec dieu qui radote tout en étant incapable de répéter trois fois la même instruction (pas évident à faire) :

"De tout ce qui vit, de toute chair, tu feras entrer dans l'arche deux de chaque espèce, pour les conserver en vie avec toi: il y aura un mâle et une femelle. Des oiseaux selon leur espèce, du bétail selon son espèce, et de tous les reptiles de la terre selon leur espèce, deux de chaque espèce viendront vers toi, pour que tu leur conserves la vie." (Génèse 6.19 & 6.20)

"Tu prendras auprès de toi sept couples de tous les animaux purs, le mâle et sa femelle; une paire des animaux qui ne sont pas purs, le mâle et sa femelle; sept couples aussi des oiseaux du ciel, mâle et femelle, afin de conserver leur race en vie sur la face de toute la terre." (Génèse 7.2 & 7.3)

"eux, et tous les animaux selon leur espèce, tout le bétail selon son espèce, tous les reptiles qui rampent sur la terre selon leur espèce, tous les oiseaux selon leur espèce, tous les petits oiseaux, tout ce qui a des ailes. Ils entrèrent dans l'arche auprès de Noé, deux à deux, de toute chair ayant souffle de vie." (Génèse 7.14 & 7.15)

C’est n’importe quoi ! Un coup ça parle d’espèce, un coup d’animaux, un coup de "tout ce qui vit" (vous verrez que c’est important). Dans un verset il en faut deux de chaque, dans un autre il en faut 7 pour les piafs et les animaux purs sans que personne ne se fasse chier à expliquer ce qu’est un animal pur. Et puis, vu qu’il faut un mâle et une femelle, l’escargot hermaphrodite on le compte en joker ? Et les animaux qui changent de sexe, il anticipe ça comment le Noé pour que son arche ne devienne pas la croisière des village People ?? Un génocide à cause d’animaux travelo, faut avouer, ça ferait tache. Bref, comme d’hab, dieu est un gros gâteux doublé d’une buse en anatomie animale et ça se sent, à ses adeptes de combler les incohérences avec leur foi aveugle.

Arche de noé

Mais au fait, est ce que tout les animaux de la création rentrent dans la péniche magique ? Pour répondre à cette question il faut d’abord calculer l’espace disponible. Pour se faire, il existe quatre méthodes :

  • La méthode du créationniste qui n’aime pas les mathématiques : "L’arche était très grande, environ la superficie d’un stade de foot sur 3 étage" (tiré d’un de mes échange de mail avec un "new born christian" choqué par l’article sur le créationnisme). Un terrain de foot ? Mais oui, bien sûr, allons y avec les unités hautement scientifiques ! Après tout, même mon petit cousin qui rigole à chaque fois qu’il entend "pipi caca" sait parfaitement combien on peut caler d’animaux sur un terrain de foot alors c’est méga utile ! Tant qu’a faire dans la clarté, je propose de compter en jardin de ma grand mère, en superficie du slip de Susan Boyle voir en feuille de PQ, il n’y a pas de raison! C’est à se demander pourquoi des mecs se sont cassé les fesses à créer un système d’unités international.

  • La méthode du créationniste qui n’a aucun scrupule : "Oui, c’était assez grand alors ta gueule !"

    .
    Arche de noé

  • La méthode du créationniste qui aime les mathématiques mais qui a oublié un léger détail : "C’est facile, selon la bible l’arche fait 300 x 50 x 30 coudées et comme la coudée fait 45cm cela fait 138 x 23 x 14m = 44436 m3 ce qui est beaucoup". OMG !! L’arche de Noé était faite entièrement d’air !!!1

    Arche de noé

  • Méthode normale de calcul de l’espace "probable" disponible : Bon, si on se rappelle deux secondes que l’arche n’est pas faite de vent, son espace disponible diminue drastiquement. Commençons par l’enveloppe globale telle qu’elle est majoritairement représentée dans les plans des créationnistes :

    Arche de noé

    Comme je suis une sale feignasse, je fais don de cet espace aux créationnistes. Ouaip, ça fait quand même pas loin de 40% d’espace bonus, je suis vraiment trop bon, surtout avec un peu de poivre ! Retirons maintenant la coque elle même en considérant comme épaisseur de bois 30cm (ce qui est très optimiste vu que certains créationnistes mettent jusqu’à 4 épaisseurs de bois dans leurs plans). On obtient (138-0.6) x (23-0.6) x (14-0.6) = 41242 m3

    Retirons ensuite les trois étages du navire, chacun de ces étages, si on prend un plancher de 10cm (c’est très très peu vu le poids qu’il y aura dessus mais passons), fait (138-0.6) x (23-0.6) x 0.1 = 307,8m3 soit 41242 – 3 x 307.8 = 40319 m3

    A ceci il faut retirer la structure. Si on ne veut pas que l’arche s’effondre sous son propre poids, il doit y avoir un minimum de poutrelles et autre charpente. Pour vous faire une idée du nombre voici une image tirée d’un plan de créationniste :

    Arche de noé

    Cela nous donne donc 4 poutrelles espacées de 4.6m dans le sens de la largeur. Idéalement, pour que la structure résiste bien, il faut que ce schéma de 4 poutrelles soit répété tout le long de la structure à distance égale (pour former des structures carrées) ce qui donne (138-0.6) / 4.6 = 30. Comme la coque fait office de structure porteuse à chaque bout on compte donc 28 x 4 = 112 poutrelles de support. On considère que ces poutrelles font 80 x 80 cm (la encore, ce n’est pas aberrant vu les poids en jeu). Une poutrelle occupe donc un volume de (en retirant les hauteur de coque et de plancher) : (14- 2 x 0.3- 3 x 0.1) x 0.8 x 0.8 = 8.4m3. Soit un total de 112 x 8.4 = 940.8m3. On arrive donc à un volume "libre" de 39379m3.

    Mine de rien, l’espace disponible s’est réduit de 12% sans même compter la géométrie externe de l’arche ni les innombrables poutrelles indispensables pour renforcer les divers planchers (la je n’ai compté que les poutrelles principales) et tout cela en ignorant un détail d’une extrême importance : tous les animaux ne peuvent pas être empilés jusqu’au plafond de chaque étage, surtout quand l’animal s’appelle Eléphant aka le gros cul de la savane !!

    Arche de noé

    Avec seulement trois étages ayant chacun une superficie d’au moins 600 feuilles de PQ, on perd un max de place dans les hauteurs ! Mais bon, comme je suis généreux je vais omettre ce n-ième détail au profit des créationnistes. A noter également que je ne prend pas en compte l’espace occupé par les passerelles et autres enclos alambiqués dont ils raffolent dans leurs "reconstitutions historiques" parce que sans ça, on doit perdre encore facilement une 20ène de pourcents d’espace.

    Arche de noé

Maintenant que l’on connait l’espace disponible (valeur très surestimée), calculons le nombre de bestioles que l’on doit y faire rentrer.

Commençons par les animaux dont nous connaissons l’existence aujourd’hui. Selon ce brave wikipédia (ne vous moquez pas, certains utilisent bien la bible comme source alors), il y aurait entre 5 et 30 millions d’espèces vivantes sur notre planète avec seulement 1.5 millions d’entre elles décrites scientifiquement (cad autrement que "t’aurais vu la bestiole, le truc de ouf avec des dents comme ça *écarte les bras*, trop chanmé t’inquiète !!"). Donc, comme je suis sympa, je vais partir sur ce dernier chiffre, 1.5 millions d’espèces "avérées" scientifiquement sachant qu’il existe de nombreuses espèces dont nous ignorons purement et simplement l’existence, on est donc trèèèèès loin du compte.

A ceci il faut ajouter les dinosaures (et autres créatures disparues) qui, comme chaque créationniste le sait, n’ont pas été exterminés par le déluge puisque Jésus chevauchait un vélociraptor.

Arche de noé

Comptons, à la louche, 500 000 espèces de dinosaures même s’il y en a probablement beaucoup plus vu le nombre de fossiles sur ces vilaines bestioles.Comme chaque animal vient par paire (la encore je ne compte pas les fameux animaux pures konsépaskeçé), cela nous donne une estimation (très) basse de (1 500 000 + 500 000) x 2 = 4 millions de bestioles. C’est sûr, c’est moins que des chinois mais c’est déjà pas mal.

Maintenant, si l’on entasse tout ce monde dans les trois étages de l’arche et que l’on tasse bien, cela donne un volume disponible par bestiole de : 39 379 / 4 000 000 = 0.0098 m3 soit un cube de 21cm de côté (la largeur d’une feuille A4).

Ouaip, c’est serré, surtout sachant qu’il ne reste pas de place pour que les bestioles puissent se dégourdir les jambes, ni pour stocker leur bouffe, et en empilant tout le monde jusqu’à hauteur de plafond comme un gros banc de sardine en priant pour que l’éléphant ne soit pas au dessus du couple de souris ! D’ailleurs, au vu de ces chiffres monstrueux, même les plus obtus des créationnistes ont dû se rendre à l’évidence que s’ils ne donnaient pas un gros coup de pouce au destin, ils allaient avoir du mal à continuer de faire semblant. Heureusement, ces braves ont plus d’un tour dans leur sac et ils ont trouvé tout plein d’excuses amusantes pour faire tomber ce chiffre :

  • L’excuse "sans les findus" : "Eh les mecs, on a qu’a dire que les poissons étaient pas dans l’arche comme ça, ça laisse plus de place pour ranger le gros fion des dinosaures !! Après tout, un poiscaille c’est pas un peu de flotte sur la tronche qui va le noyer, ahahaahaha"

    C’est moche de contredire Dieu espèce de créationniste hérétique :

    "Tous les êtres qui étaient sur la face de la terre furent exterminés, depuis l'homme jusqu'au bétail, aux reptiles et aux oiseaux du ciel: ils furent exterminés de la terre. Il ne resta que Noé, et ce qui était avec lui dans l'arche." (Génèse 7.23)

    Et même si dieu l’avait permis, les poisson ne peuvent pas vivre dans n’importe quel type d’eau (sauf rares exceptions) ! Amusez vous à coller un poisson d’eau douce dans de l’eau de mer et il se mettra vite fait à apprendre le dos crawlé façon myopathe ! Même chose pour les poissons de mer, vu la quantité de flotte déversée par le déluge (assez pour recouvrir les montagnes) la salinité des océans aurait été complètement déréglée et ça aurait été une véritable poissonnerie ! Et encore, c’est sans compter sur le fait que le déluge est censé être à l’origine de toutes les roches sédimentaires existantes sur terre. Sachant que le volume d’eau de nos océans (équivalent à l’eau du déluge selon les créationnistes) est de 1370 millions de km3 et qu’il y a 500 millions de km3 de roches sédimentaires cela fait un ratio de 2.74. Amusez vous à mélanger un verre de terre dans trois verres d’eau pour recréer votre propre mer du déluge et mettez y votre poisson rouge pour voir combien de temps il survit.

    Arche de noé

    Et quand bien même cela serait possible, la faune marine n’est qu’une infime partie du règne animal, cela n’allégerait quasiment pas l’arche. Donc, bien essayé, mais si on veut être "cohérent", Noé a dû installer un badass aquarium dans l’arche avec tous les problèmes technique que cela implique.

  • L’excuse Kawaii : "Nan mais Noé était pas obligé de prendre des animaux adultes, il avait qu’à prendre des bébé tout mignons ou carrément des œufs."

    Certes, mais même en réduisant le volume nécessaire par 10 (à la giga louche), ça fait toujours pas assez de place pour les 4 millions de bébés animaux de la création à moins de les entasser au chausse pied ! Autre détail qui fiche un peu en l’air cette excuse bidon, le voyage dans l’arche de Noé est censé durer 371 jours ! Qu’est ce qu’il se passe pour tous les œufs et les bébés pendant ce temps ? Ils stoppent leur croissance le temps du trajet grâce à un trouzmillième miracle divin ? Sans oublier le taux de mortalité énorme chez les petits animaux, forcément moins résistants que leur équivalent adulte (surtout quand ils sont secoués violemment contre les parois en bois d’une péniche bondée !!). Sachant qu’il suffit d’un décès pour génocider une race complète, c’est un peu risqué de ne pas mettre toutes les chances de son côté avec des bestioles adultes.

  • L’excuse "je joue sur les mots quand ça m’arrange" : "Ah ah ah, en fait vous allez rire, quand dieu dit "espèce", il parle des grandes familles d’animaux comme par exemple les canidés qui contient les loups, les chiens et Garou. En comptant par famille et en sniffant un peu sa calculatrice on arrive à à peine 8000 espèces donc 16 000 animaux !".

    Les créationnistes ont la mémoire à géométrie variable elle aussi, Dieu, a quand même répété 3 fois ses instructions avec trois termes différents dont "De tout ce qui vit" (Génèse 6.19). Ca devrait dissiper toute "mauvaise interprétation" non ? Heureusement, pour ça aussi ils ont une excuse bidon :

    "En fait, avant le déluge, il y avait moins d’animaux que maintenant mais c’était des animaux surpuissant, les Baramins, qui contenaient le génome de tous les descendants de leur propre espèce comme ça, il suffisait que deux d’entre eux fassent des chocapics et paf, toutes les créatures que l’on connaît sont réapparues en seulement 4500 ans !! La preuve, ça marche bien avec les chiens qui descendent tous du loup !!"

    Arche de noé

    Euh, attendez une petite minute. En gros, tous les animaux que l’on connaît à l’heure actuelle auraient donc EVOLUE à partir d’un groupe restreint d’espèces, c’est bien ça ? Wouah, j’en ai vu des grosses arnaques mais des comme ça c’est collector. Alors que les créationnistes couinent à qui veut l’entendre que l’évolution saytropapossib parce que les "mutations" de la faune sont trop infimes pour générer de nouvelles espèces, même sur plusieurs milliers d’années, eux nous en pondent une version encore plus hardcore qui à lieu en seulement 4500 ans !

    Arche de noé

    Etre obligé de faire appel à une version "divinolol" de l’évolution pour tenter de rendre crédible une légende biblique à deux balle censée contredire cette même évolution, c’est beau, j’en chialerais si je n’étais pas lyophilisé ! C’est ça d’être obligé d’inventer des mensonges bidons en cascade pour tenter de faire tenir un conte idiot, on finit par se mordre la queue ce qui n’est pas très agréable, parole de Rocco Siffredi.

D’ailleurs, juste pour rire car dieu sait que les mathématiques sont hilarantes, considérons l’estimation la plus base des créationnistes : 16000 animaux. Si l’on veut que les bestioles survivent 371 jours, on va éviter de les empiler et donc raisonner en surface et non plus en volume, cela donne 138 x 23 x 3 = 9522 m² soit moins d’un hectare d’espace sans même avoir supprimé l’épaisseur de coque et toute l’architecture interne. On obtient 9522 / 16000 = 0.6m² par bestiole (un carré de 0.78m x 0.78m) si l’ensemble de l’arche leur est consacré (oubliez les stock de bouffe) ! Vous voulez quand même les empiler ? Sur quoi, 3 strates par étages (c’est une moyenne, on ne peut pas empiler deux éléphants par exemple)? Paf, ça fait (9522 x 3) / 16000 = 1.78m² ( 1.34m x 1.34m). C’est mieux, mais pas suffisant quand on sait que le moindre mouton, si on ne veut pas qu’il crève parce qu’il ne parvient pas à bouger pour se dégourdir les pattes, à besoin de 4m² minimum (et encore, c’est de la cruauté animale). Sachant qu’il y a des souris mais aussi des T-Rex dans l’arche, le mouton est une méga généreuse moyenne ! Et tout ça c’est sans même avoir pris en compte l’eau, la nourriture à transporter et encore moins les déchets à stocker, le voyage durant plus d’un an !!

Arche de noé

Bref, aucune de ces excuses, même la plus arrangeante pour la cause créationniste (franchement, les animaux à évolution ultrasuprarapide, si c’est pas l’hôpital qui se fout de la charité, crache sur l’orphelin et viole la veuve je ne sais pas ce qu’il vous faut), n’est crédible sans massacrer les chiffres et sans trouzmilles interventions divines ! Mais bon, histoire de continuer à rigoler, admettons que la péniche magique puisse accueillir toutes les créatures vivantes en les calant bien au chausse pied divin, Noé n’est pas au bout de ses peines.



Champignon L’embarquement du zoo magique

Avant même de remplir la péniche zoo, il faut commencer par réunir les animaux choisis arbitrairement par Dieu. Arbitrairement ? Houlà non, je vous rappelle quand même que les bestiaux doivent survivre à un déluge cataclysmique empilés comme des sardines avec le caca de leur congénères du dessus qui leur coule le long du dos (vu qu’il n’y a pas de place pour des enclos alambiqués avec wc dans les calculs de volume les plus optimistes), il a donc fallu choisir les meilleurs des meilleurs, les Michel Vengeance du monde animal au génome et à la santé parfaite.

Arche de noé

Et c’est à cet instant qu’une nouvelle incohérence pointe le bout de son nez. Même si les créationnistes aiment à s’imaginer l’arche de Noé pleine de koalas niais, de pandas à l’œil larmoyant ou de chiots à la truffe humide, bref, des bestioles toutes choupimeugnone (c’est plus vendeur), il a bien fallu héberger les parasites et autres bactéries porteuses de maladies qui font elles aussi parties "De tout ce qui vit" ("Bah oui, sinon elles seraient mortes", ceci était une intervention de Captain Obvious) ! Comment peut on avoir à la fois les animaux en meilleur santé de la terre ET des animaux porteurs de maladie ? Et le problème ne s’arrête pas aux bestioles ainsi, les parasites à l’origine de la malaria, même s’ils naissent en squattant le bide des moustiques, doivent impérativement se développer sur un hôte humain ! Du coup, Noé ou un membre de sa famille a été obligé de choper cette sympathique maladie pendant le voyage, d’y survivre puis d’attendre que ses gosses aient suffisamment de mioches pour pouvoir leur transmettre sans risquer le génocide de la race humaine ! Et encore, ça c’est s’il a de la chance parce qu’il aurait aussi pu se taper l’hébergement de bactéries à l’origine des maladies vénériennes voir un ténia. Il y a pas à dire, s’il fallait choisir un seul miracle divin dans toute cette histoire alakon, c’est bien celui d’avoir survécu 371 jours dans une péniche qui pue la bouse avec la chtouille !!1

Bref, maintenant que tous les animaux et autres maladies ont été choisies, comment faire pour réunir tout le monde au pied de l’arche ?? En dépit de toute leur bonne volonté, les créationnistes n’ont pas réussis à trouver d’hypothèse "scientifique" plausible pour expliquer cette partie de l’histoire. Du coup, abracadabra, on nous ressert un miracle divin dans nos fions (On en est à combien d’intervention divines depuis le début déjà ? Je perd le compte) :

"C’est écrit dans la bible, Noé n’a pas eu a rassembler les animaux, c’est Dieu qui a magiquement appelé tout ce petit monde à venir s’agglutiner autour de l’arche histoire d’encore plus compliquer la vie de Noé qui trouvait qu’il ne galérait pas encore assez à gérer la construction du plus gros bateau de tout les temps ("Bordayl de merde les termites ! Je vous ai dit 1000 fois de ne pas becqueter la matière première de l’arche ! Si vous continuez c’est calotte sur les mandibules !"). C’est possible, si si, regardez, il y a bien les oiseaux migrateurs qui arrivent à parcourir des milliers de km sans se planter comme s’ils avaient un GPS !!"

Pour les oiseaux je veux bien faire l’effort d’y croire, mais un manchot, GPS ou pas, il a intérêt à embarquer un paquet de glaçons pour espérer traverser les désert entre lui et l’arche sans coup de soleil ! Et les paresseux et autres escargots ? Ils se sont reproduit sur 13 générations pendant les 81 années post-déluge pour espérer arriver à destination dans les temps ? Et les poissons, ils font comment pour rejoindre l’arche en plein milieu d’une plaine !! Et les bestioles en Australie, ils traversent l’océan en brasse coulée ? Et et et ?

Arche de noé

"Ah ah ah ! Très drôle ! Hérétique ! C’est pourtant simple ! Le monde que nous connaissons a été forgé par le déluge, avant les continents n’étaient pas séparés donc c’était facile pour tous les animaux de rejoindre Noé"

Ok, donc le monde était un bloc sur lequel tous les animaux de la création vivaient à portée de l’arche ? Il devait faire quoi, 1000km sur 1000km avec les escargots au centre et les oiseaux sur les extrémités ? C’est n’importe quoi, ça n’explique rien sur les manchots ni les poissons et le pire c’est que ça ne fait que décaler le problème, mais j’y reviendrai.

Arche de noé

Bon, on va faire comme si tous les animaux avaient rejoint l’arche par magie et que les manchots étaient tombés sur un stock de Biafine. Comment expliquer que les lions n’ont pas essayé de profiter de cette situation pour becqueter le couple de gnous élu ? Et les insectes ? Comment ont ils fait pour ne pas mourir, écrasés comme des cons par un éléphant ? Et les animaux non élus aux alentours de cette réunion, pourquoi n’ont ils pas profité de l’aubaine ??

Arche de noé

Toute la situation ressemble à un gigantesque bol de cocaïne placé sous le nez de Delarue en priant pour qu’il n’y touche pas !!

"Mais que tu es stupide ! A force de raconter n’importe quoi, Djézus est en train de te préparer un enfer spécialement dédié, géré par Justin Bieber, bénis soit sa coupe au bol ! Dieu a très bien pu apaiser magiquement tous les animaux avant le voyage car dieu est grand, il fait trois mètres !"

Ah ah, mais c’est bien sûr, suis je bête 3000ème miracle divin, check.

Bon, les animaux sont réunis, prêts à rentrer, la bouffe et l’eau sont stockés même si vu les quantités nécessaire saypapossib (mais on s’en tape au point où on en est), il manque un dernier détail que tout le monde oublie à chaque fois : les plantes ! Bah oui, le déluge est si violent qu’il est censé façonner notre monde et déplacer des continents alors vous pensez bien que la végétations va prendre grave cher dans ses fesses, il faut la sauver. Noé doit réunir plusieurs millions de plantes différentes tout seul parce que cette fois, Dieu aura beau envoyer les coordonnées GPS à tous les arbres de la planète, leurs glands vont pas se mettre à rouler tout seul jusqu’à destination ! Et là, d’un coup, j’ai juste envie de me rouler en boule dans un coin et pleurer devant l’aberration de la tâche mais je ne le ferais pas sinon on va encore me confondre avec une poubelle et me mettre des saletés dans la bouche. Entre les plantes endémiques qui ne survivront pas si on les change d’environnement, les graines qui ne sont pas toutes nécessairement fertiles, les plantes qui ne se reproduisent que par spore (il fait quoi, il prend deux spores de chaque, une mâle une femelle ?), c’est juste impossible, surtout avec un chantier naval et un zoo à gérer en parallèle, et ce n’est pas pour rien que les créationnistes éludent le problème en se persuadant que la végétation va survivre malgré le déluge.

Arche de noé

Maintenant que Noé a plein de graines magiques dans les poches, que sa péniche à géométrie variable est ravitaillée et que trouzmilles animaux attendent devant, il est temps de faire embarquer tout le monde. Sur ce point encore, la Genèse raconte tout et son contraire.

"L'Éternel dit à Noé: Entre dans l'arche, toi et toute ta maison; car je t'ai vu juste devant moi parmi cette génération. Car, encore sept jours, et je ferai pleuvoir sur la terre quarante jours et quarante nuits, et j'exterminerai de la face de la terre tous les êtres que j'ai faits. […] Et Noé entra dans l'arche avec ses fils, sa femme et les femmes de ses fils, pour échapper aux eaux du déluge. D'entre les animaux purs et les animaux qui ne sont pas purs, les oiseaux et tout ce qui se meut sur la terre, il entra dans l'arche auprès de Noé, deux à deux, un mâle et une femelle, comme Dieu l'avait ordonné à Noé." (Génèse 7.1 à 7.9)

"La pluie tomba sur la terre quarante jours et quarante nuits. Ce même jour entrèrent dans l'arche Noé, Sem, Cham et Japhet, fils de Noé, la femme de Noé et les trois femmes de ses fils avec eux. Il en entra, mâle et femelle, de toute chair, comme Dieu l'avait ordonné à Noé. Puis l'Éternel ferma la porte sur lui." (Génèse 7.12, 7.13 & 7.16)

C’est 7 jours ou 1 jour pour embarquer ? Punaise, même pour une simple info comme ça, Dieu schizophrène est incapable d’être d’accord et il faudrait que l’on prenne cette histoire de mâââârde dans son ensemble de façon littérale ???

Arche de noé

Mais bon, juste pour rire, prenons la meilleure hypothèse : 7 jours pour faire rentrer tout le monde. Avec 4 millions d’animaux, cela fait un rythme d’embarquement de 571429 animaux/jours soit 6.6 animaux/seconde. Je sais bien que la porte est grande histoire de fragiliser autant que possible la structure de l’arche qui va se manger des flots déchainés mais quand même, là, ça ressemble vraiment à :

Arche de noé

Hum, de la saucisse, c’est très bon avec une purée de bêtise créationniste.

Maintenant que l’ensemble des représentants du règne animal et végétal a été confortablement broyé dans l’arche, va falloir faire péter le déluge !



Champignon Le déluge

La bible décrit le déluge comme suit :

"Les eaux s'élevèrent de quinze coudées au-dessus des montagnes, qui furent couvertes." (Genèse 7.20).

Sachant que la plus haute montage s’élève à 8850m et qu’il a plu pendant 40j et 40 nuit cela fait 8850/40 = 221.25m d’élévation des eaux par jour ou 9.22m de flotte par heure. Ce chiffre est tout simplement monstrueux, mais pour que ce soit plus parlant, comparons avec l’arche. Le toit de la péniche magique fait 138 x 23 = 3174m², il tombe donc 3174 x 9.22 = 29264m3 de flotte sur le toit par heure soit 8m3 par seconde. Or, omg, tous ces chiffres m’excitent, l’eau a une masse volumique de 1000kg/m3, ce qui fait 8 tonnes d’eau qui viennent s’écraser chaque seconde sur l’arche ! Même en métal, un bateau serait pulvérisé alors imaginez une péniche en bois ! Et encore, ceci est vraiment le moindre des soucis de Noé, des précipitations pareilles seraient tellement violentes que le choc suffirait à faire entrer en ébullition les océans et à les évaporer dans l’atmosphère ce qui compliquerait le remplissage à ras bord des montages… Dois je en conclure que la bible raconte n’importe quoi ??

"Bien sur que non vieux mytho ! En fait, l’eau n’a pas eu a monter autant. Dans le monde pré déluge, les montagnes n’étaient pas hautes, c’était en majorité des plaines, la flotte a ensuite taillé les reliefs et déplacé les continents pour former la terre que nous connaissons aujourd’hui. La quantité d’eau venant du déluge équivaut en fait à toute l’eau contenu dans les océans ! En même temps c’est logique, vu que notre planète n’a que 6000 ans il a bien fallu une fat pluie pour accélérer le processus d’érosion ! Mouhahahaha ! Ca t’apprendra à perdre du temps à faire des calculs inutiles sans réfléchir sale moche !"

Arche de noé

Ok, donc l’eau du déluge équivaut à l’eau contenu dans nos océans ? Sachant que nos océans contiennent 1370 millions de km3 de flotte et que la superficie de la terre est de 510065700km², le dénivelé maximal du monde post déluge était de 2686m. Cela paraît plus "acceptable" vu comme ça, malheureusement, la hauteur par rapport à l’Everest n’a été divisé que par 3.3 et 8 tonnes de flotte divisé par 3.3 ça fait toujours 2,4 tonnes d’eau par seconde sur le coin de la face de Noé !!!1 Le plus drôle c’est que je n’ai même pas parlé du fait que de telles quantités de flotte sous forme liquide dans l’atmosphère l’auraient tellement saturée en oxygène et nitrogène que tout l’arche serait mort noyé en plein air, mais bon, on n’est plus à ça prêt…

"Encore tout faux, la majorité de l’eau du déluge est venu du sol, dans la genèse c’est marqué "en ce jour-là toutes les sources du grand abîme jaillirent, et les écluses des cieux s’ouvrirent." (Genèse 7.8) ! Pounaid by Djézus !!"

Ok, malheureusement, pour que de l’eau sous terraine en quantité suffisante remonte du sous sol elle aurait dû le faire sous forme de vapeur et comme le savent très bien les œufs à la coque "l’eau bouillante punaise ça brûle grave sa race tavu !". Tous les océans auraient été vaporisés dans l’atmosphère (ou du moins auraient très fortement chauffés) et l’arche de Noé se serait transformée en barbecue ! Bref, fais ton choix ami créationniste, ton Noé, tu le préfères carbonisé, en purée ou noyé ?

Arche de noé

Mais admettons que le déluge seul n’ait pas massacré instantanément l’arche, le soucis c’est que, si on suit la logique créationniste (si on tourne en rond donc), cette catastrophe est censée avoir façonné le monde tel que nous le connaissons et a donc enclenché le processus de mouvement des plaques tectoniques, la formation des montagnes et des volcans ainsi que la destruction totale de la civilisation pré-diluvienne (dont personne n’a jamais retrouvé de trace alors qu’au moins une infime partie aurait dû être mélangé aux fossiles qui sont tous censés provenir du déluge, mais passons). Tout cela implique une dépense d’énergie (et donc de chaleur) monstrueuse ! L’eau serait entrée en ébullition sous la violence des changements effectués, des milliers de roches auraient traversé les flots bouillonnants, charriés par des courants suffisamment dévastateurs pour arracher en quelques jours à peine des pans entier de montagne. L’arche, si elle n’avait pas encore cramé à cause de la lave se déversant abondamment des failles ouvertes entre les plaques tectoniques, aurait été transformé en petit bois par les roches !! Pour un point de comparaison, regardez les récents événements au japon tout ça pour un déplacement de 2.4 misérables mètre et multipliez par plusieurs milliards !

Arche de noé

Hum, j’ai comme l’impression qu’il est temps d’invoquer une intervention divine. On a qu’a dire que Dieu a crée une bulle protectrice autour de l’arche en l’emprisonnant dans sa glaire divine et puis voilà de rien amis créationnistes ! En tout cas, il est amusant de voir que pour chaque couche de mythomanie supplémentaire, la masse d’incohérence augmente de façon exponentielle.



Champignon La vie dans l’arche pendant le déluge

Sachant que le voyage dure plus d’un an (371 jours), Noé a dû s’organiser avec sa famille pour nourrir et soigner les animaux et là, c’est (encore) le drame.

Problème 1 : Comment empêcher les animaux de faire des chocapics et ainsi éviter la surpopulation très rapide de l’arche ? Sans contrôle, Noé aurait eu vite fait d’avoir une énorme invasion de rats, de termites et de chtouille sur les bras. Et même avec un stérilet divin, certaines créatures à durée de vie extrêmement courte n’aurait pu survivre au voyage sans copuler à droite à gauche (terme scientifique pour "mettre un coup de bite"), alors comment choisir qui couche ou pas ?

Arche de noé

Problème 2 : La bouffe, même en faisant semblant de croire que l’arche est assez grande (ce qui n’est pas le cas), aurait été très problématique pour les carnivores qui mangent de la chair fraiche (et non, désolé, on ne nourrit pas un lion à la viande lyophilisée). En quelques jours, les bêtes affamées se seraient entredévorées.

Problème 3 : Les stock d’eau douce monstrueux (parce que bon, l’eau pleine de vapeurs volcanique et de bouillasse de l’extérieur est fortement déconseillé par les vétos), qui surveille que des algues ne s’y développent pas ou qu’elle ne croupit pas dans l’environnement confiné de l’arche ?

Problème 4 : 8 pélos pour gérer 16000 animaux (minimum si on accepte la théorie de la créavolution) !!!!11

Heureusement, pour tout ça aussi, il y a un miracle !

Arche de noé

"Non mais en faite, avant le déluge tous les animaux étaient herbivores même les lions auraient pu se nourrir de graine, ça évite les problème de stockage de viande et d’agressivité ! En plus, les animaux auraient très bien pu tous hiberner, après tout, si certains animaux le peuvent, tous le peuvent non ? En hibernation, quasi pas besoin de soin ni de bouffe, GG NO RE !"

Arche de noé

Alors, pour commencer ami créationniste, ouvre bien tes délicates oreilles et écoute : L’HIBERNATION N’EST PAS UNE FRACKING CRYOGENISATION MAGIQUE !! L’hibernation ce n’est pas "j’appuie sur le bouton off de mon cerveau et hop, miracle, je mange plus et je fais plus caca pendant le temps qu’il me plaira", l’hibernation c’est être assiégé par le froid et la mort avec une réserve limitée de bouffe en serrant les fesses pour que ça passe !! Si tu n’es pas convaincu, voici quelques faits sur ce mode de survie animal qui foutent en l’air toute cette petite théorie :

  • Le taux de mortalité en cas d’hibernation est très élevé, de l’ordre de 30%, car l’hibernation n’est pas faite pour garantir la survie d’un individu mais celle d’une espèce entière alors, à deux animaux, faut oublier sous peine de génocider du monde !

  • L’hibernation fait perdre près de 40% de la masse corporelle rien que pour un seul hiver ! Une hibernation d’une année complète et la terre aurait été un muséum d’histoire naturelle en plein air, (aka avec plein de squelettes) ! Ce phénomène est d’ailleurs plus dévastateur encore sur de jeunes animaux alors même que les créationnistes parlent d’embarquer des bébés !

  • L’hibernation n’est pas instantanée, les animaux ont besoin d’énormément de calme pour abaisser les pulsations de leur rythme cardiaque. Dans le genre, on fait quand même vachement plus reposant qu’une arche secouée par un déluge de 8 tonnes et percuté de toutes parts par des roches volcaniques !

  • Les animaux qui hibernent doivent parfois se réveiller pour taper dans leur stock de nourriture et inutile de me sortir l’excuse du "nan mais pas besoin, l’hibernation divine a duré tout le voyage tu peux trop pas test" puisque dieu lui même dit à Noé de prendre de la bouffe pour tous les animaux donc c’est bien qu’à un moment ou un autre il a fallut becqueter ! "Et toi, prends de tous les aliments que l'on mange, et fais-en une provision auprès de toi, afin qu'ils te servent de nourriture ainsi qu'à eux." (Genèse 6.21). Franchement, c’est quoi cette manie divine de sortir des demi miracles à la con, s’il comptait hiberner magiquement les animaux de l’arche autant le faire franchement et ne pas demander à Noé de stocker de la bouffe ! En bref, l’hibernation ne règle rien, elle ne fait que déplacer le problème.

Arche de noé

Et le caca dans tout ça ? Sachant que l’arche ne possède qu’une petite ouverture tout en haut et que celle ci a dû être fermée une bonne partie du voyage pour éviter que les trillions de litres de pluie ne noient tout le monde, que deviennent tous les déchets organiques ? Avec 16 000 animaux mangeant en moyenne 1kg de graines (oui oui, même les carnivores, suivez un peu) on atteint les 16 tonnes de bouse/jours. J’imagine assez mal 8 pélos monter/descendre les trois étages de la péniche pour balancer chacun 2 tonnes d’excrément par un petit trou dans le plafond, du coup il faut en déduire que tout était stocké au fond. Hélas, dans ce cas l’équation suivante s’applique :

Arche de noé

Et ce, sans même parler des maladies qui s’y développeraient ! Oups non, je n’ai rien dit, l’équipage ne peut pas être plus malade, Noé et sa famille ont déjà tous le choléra cancéreux de la peste bubonique avec les bactéries qu’ils se trimballent.

"Rhâ, mais c’est conneries sur conneries ! Tu tentes un achievements de la stupidité c’est ça ?? L’arche pouvait très bien être ventilée par convection, la chaleur des animaux fait monter l’air en haut de l’arche où elle refroidit et redescend ce qui la fait circuler ! C’est pourtant simple ! Ajoute à ça des bouches de ventilation au dessus de l’arche et hop, circulation d’air FTW !! Tiens, la preuve, j’ai même fait un schéma"

Arche de noé
SOURCE

Je, je crois que je vais pleurer. Des trous d’aération dans la coque, vraiment ?

Arche de noé

Mais bon, au point où on en est, on va prendre une dernière inspiration, faire semblant de croire qu’une péniche mal ventilée pleine de méthane peut survivre avec son équipage sur une mer qui ressemble plus à une fonderie industrielle qu’à un lagon, et étudier la fin de cette histoire plus que bancale !



Champignon Après le déluge

"Dieu se souvint de Noé, de tous les animaux et de tout le bétail qui étaient avec lui dans l'arche; et Dieu fit passer un vent sur la terre, et les eaux s'apaisèrent." (Génèse 8.1)

Alzheimer, ce fléau.

Arche de noé

Après 220 jours en pleine mer, l’arche s’échoue sur le Mont Ararat qui, détail amusant, était un volcan en activité si l’on en croit la géologie vue par les Créationnistes (aka : c’est le déluge qui a formé montagnes et volcans). Wouhou, 15000 ème incohérences, la prochaine est gratuite ! Malheureusement, les eaux sont encore hautes et Noé doit patienter avant de faire sortir tout le monde. Heureusement, comme il est malin, il a trouvé une astuce pour savoir à quel moment il pourra mettre ses miches dehors :

"Au bout de quarante jours, Noé ouvrit la fenêtre qu'il avait faite à l'arche. Il lâcha le corbeau, qui sortit, partant et revenant, jusqu'à ce que les eaux eussent séché sur la terre. Il lâcha aussi la colombe, pour voir si les eaux avaient diminué à la surface de la terre. […] La colombe revint à lui sur le soir; et voici, une feuille d'olivier arrachée était dans son bec. Noé connut ainsi que les eaux avaient diminué sur la terre." (Genèse 8.6 à 8.11)

Sachant que le déluge a ravagé la surface terrestre, aucune vie végétale n’a pu survivre et encore moins pousser et former des feuilles (amusez vous à jeter 6000l d’eau bouillante et des cailloux sur un rosier, juste pour rire) ! Mettons ça sur le compte d’un nouveau miracle (à ce rythme dieu va être à découvert). D’ailleurs, Noé est lui même conscient que cette histoire d’olivier n’est pas crédible puisque il décide de ne pas sortir tout de suite :

"Il attendit encore sept autres jours; et il lâcha la colombe. Mais elle ne revint plus à lui. L'an six cent un, le premier mois, le premier jour du mois, les eaux avaient séché sur la terre. Noé ôta la couverture de l'arche [note de Cerb : Une couverture ? Mais depuis quand !!!??]: il regarda, et voici, la surface de la terre avait séché." (Genèse 8.12 & 8.13)

Je ne sais pas vous mais moi, si je lâchais une colombe à l’aventure dans un monde dévasté, la première conclusion que je tirerais en ne la voyant pas revenir ne serait pas : "oh bah c’est bon, on peut sortir !" mais plutôt "OMFG LE PIAF A DU MOURIR ! ON RESTE PLANQUES !!!". D’ailleurs Noé, de toi à moi, même si le coup de la colombe c’est chouette et que ça paraît malin, mon doctorat de "bon sens" me fait dire que TU POUVAIS PAS JUSTE PASSER LA TÊTE DEHORS POUR CONSTATER TOI MEME !!!! Punaise, ça sert à quoi de balancer des piafs alors que tu es sur une montagne en hauteur et que tu peux donc voir à des bornes à la ronde s’il y a encore de la flotte ! Alors ça, pour construire des bateaux improbables il y a du monde mais pour faire la vigie on peut se brosser.

Et le plus drôle dans tout ça, c’est que c’est ce moment que choisi Dieu pour annoncer à Noé qu’il peut sortir :

"Le second mois, le vingt-septième jour du mois, la terre fut sèche. Alors Dieu parla à Noé, en disant: Sors de l'arche, toi et ta femme, tes fils et les femmes de tes fils avec toi." (Genèse 8.14 à 8.16)

Merci gros naze, il avait remarqué !! C’est pas croyable, pour une fois qu’il n’y a pas besoin d’invoquer de miracle pour sauver une incohérence, il faut que Dieu intervienne. Ca doit être l’habitude.

Arche de noé

Bref, donc, Noe fait sortir tous les animaux sur le Mont Ararat, volcan/montage dangereux meme pour des alpinistes modernes, et puis quoi ? Il plante les graines qu'il a embarque pour restaurer la vegetation qui n'existe plus suite au deluge en faisant bien gaffe a ce que son zoo ne bouffe pas les jeunes pousses ? Il invoque de la nourriture magique pour alimenter son cheptel (tout ce qui a souffle de vie est mort depuis plus d’un an alors bonne chance pour trouver de quoi grailler) ? Rien de tout ça, Noé a des priorités autrement plus importante que d’essayer de sauver la faune et la flore :

"Noé bâtit un autel a l'Éternel; il prit de toutes les bêtes pures et de tous les oiseaux purs, et il offrit des holocaustes sur l'autel. L'Éternel sentit une odeur agréable, et l'Éternel dit en son coeur: […] je ne frapperai plus tout ce qui est vivant, comme je l'ai fait." (Genèse 8.20 & 8.21).

Annihiler des milliers d’être vivant avec ton déluge pourri t’as pas suffit ?? Il t’en fallait deux trois en rab pour le fun ? Dieu amour mes fesses !

C’est pas le tout de brûler des trucs mais ils font comment les animaux pour rentrer dans leur bled ? Autant avant le déluge j’ai bien voulu adhérer a cette idiotie de monde bloc mais maintenant que le cataclysme s’est produit le monde est censé être tel qu’on le connaît aujourd’hui, avec continents et tout. Les kangourous ils y vont a la nage en Australie ?

"Et pourquoi pas ? Les animaux peuvent bien s’accrocher a une branche et se laisser dériver, ça s’est déja vu"

Arche de noé
Traduction : Beaucoup d'entre eux auraient pu flotter sur de grandes bûches de bois (SOURCE)

Je, je…

Arche de noé

Je vous passe également les problèmes de consanguinité et l’impossibilité de repeupler une espèce avec seulement deux de ses membres, je n’ai plus le courage "ouieuh, il peuvent s’accrocher a des brancheuuh", mais qu'a fait le monde pour mériter des idiots pareil *sanglote*.

En tout cas, dieu, ce gros sanguinaire psychotique alzheimerien, a trouvé un représentant a sa mesure en la personne de Noé. La preuve avec la toute fin de cette histoire alakon, je vous laisse savourer :

"Noé commença a cultiver la terre, et planta de la vigne. Il but du vin, s'enivra, et se découvrit au milieu de sa tente. Cham, père de Canaan, vit la nudité de son père, et il le rapporta dehors a ses deux frères. Alors Sem et Japhet prirent le manteau, le mirent sur leurs épaules, marchèrent a reculons, et couvrirent la nudité de leur père; comme leur visage était détourné, ils ne virent point la nudité de leur père. Lorsque Noé se réveilla de son vin, il apprit ce que lui avait fait son fils cadet. Et il dit: Maudit soit Canaan! qu'il soit l'esclave des esclaves de ses frères! Il dit encore: Béni soit l'Éternel, Dieu de Sem, et que Canaan soit leur esclave! Que Dieu étende les possessions de Japhet, qu'il habite dans les tentes de Sem, et que Canaan soit leur esclave! Noé vécut, après le déluge, trois cent cinquante ans." (Genèse 9.18 a 9.28)

Arche de noé

C’est même pire que ça en fait, Canaan n’est pas celui qui a maté, c’est son fils. Noé puni donc le mioche pour quelque chose qu’il n’a pas fait. GG la morale ! Bizarre qu’au catéchisme ils insistent pas beaucoup sur cette partie de la bible…

Que les créationnistes ne viennent pas me sortir après ça que "les athée n’ont aucune morale contrairement a nous grâce a la bible et aux 10 commandements" parce que s’ils suivaient tout ça véritablement au pied de la lettre, il devraient frapper leur petits enfants a chaque fois que leurs propres mioches leurs manquent de respect !



Champignon Conclusion

Pour ne pas dévier d’un iota de l’interprétation littérale de cette histoire mal traduite, plagiée sur d’anciennes religions (l’histoire de Noé est une repompe des épiques de Gilgamesh en version monothéiste même si les créationnistes affirment que c’est l’inverse en faisant caca très fort sur la chronologie), les créationnistes en sont réduits a empiler miracles idiots sur miracles idiots. Quitte a mettre dieu partout, on se demande bien pourquoi il n’a pas juste tué tout le monde a l’exception de ses élus au lieu de se casser le fion avec une péniche pourrie ? Ca aurait été presque plus crédible ! Hélas, faire cela serait remettre en cause la parole divine infaillible de la bible et donc, casser le raisonnement cyclique qui soutien cet édifice de conneries.

Face a un tel monceau d’incohérences, on peut se demander pourquoi certains créationnistes se battent avec autant d’acharnement pour soutenir l’insoutenable, décrédibilisant dans le même temps leur "intelligent design" déja pas bien folichon. La réponse est a la fois simple et triste. La science, par ses explications contradictoire avec dieu, affaibli la crédibilité de la religion et handicape sévèrement la conversion. Le créationnisme n’est alors rien de plus que de l’obscurantisme "conscient" au service de l’évangélisation. Après tout, que sont quelques mensonges quand il s’agit de sauver des âmes ?



Pour ceux qui pensent que j’ai inventé de toute pièce les arguments créationnistes, je vous invite a découvrir :

  • Answering genesis : FAQ sur l'arche / S'occuper des animaux / Etude de l'arche
  • Worldwide flood : Des pages et des pages de théorisation bidon et de calcul rigolos.
  • Christian answers : Une sorte de condensé des arguments les plus idiots et des calculs les plus foireux du net.
  • Dr Dino : Fun facts sur le déluge.
  • Créationnistes du Québec : Le déluge, local ou global ? Ou comment répondre a une question dont tout le monde se fout pas mal.



Pfiou ! Après l’article sur Saw 3D ce n’est plus une diarrhée verbale que j’ai pondu mais carrément un déluge (ah ah hilarité).

Pour les plus observateurs qui se demandent "c’est quoi ce code barre tout chelou dans le menu a droite", il s’agit d’un lien magique kegépacompricomençamarche qui permet de télécharger le félicitron et l’expressionotron en appli android. Un grand merci a Sébastien pour son œuvre, que Maurice Pokora se frotte sur sa jambe jusqu'a la fin des temps courage, ça ne devrait plus être trop long, 2012 arrive !

Bref, je vous kiffe grave votre boule, même les créationnistes (au fond je vous comprend, comment résister au charme d’une théorie impliquant Jésus chevauchant un vélociraptor ?), et je vous dis a la prochaine si dieu le veut (oh oh oh) !

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