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Pacific Rim, la critique pourrie

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Qu’est ce qui est plus awesome qu’un robot géant ?

"Je sais, je sais ! Deux robots géants !"

Euh oui mais non, c’est de la tric…

"Non ! Il y a mieux !! Un robot géant piloté par Scarlett Johannsen nue, chaque vibration de l’engin agitant ses… Oh god ! pourquoi mon pantalon est si serré d’un coup !! Je ne peux plus m’asseoir ! HALP §§ APPELEZ LES POMPIERS §§ IL FAUT ME DESINCARCERER DU SLIP §§"

Mais bon sang vous êtes pénibles saletés de voix intérieures !! RIEN n’est plus awesome qu’un robot géant ok !! RIEN DANS TOUT L’UNIVERS CONNU ET INCONNU §§§§

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Du coup, quand j’ai appris que Guillermo Del Toro travaillait sur un blockbuster plein de monstres de métal de trouzmilles mètres de haut qui tabassent d’autres monstres mais pas de métal, ma première réaction a été la terreur abjecte !! Pourquoi ? Mais parce que les mecs d’Hollywood sont tellement manchots que s’ils adaptaient "Martine à la plage" au cinéma elle s’appellerait Robert, aurait la trentaine et n’approcherait pas la mer à moins de 500km de tout le film alors bon, une histoire de robots géants, rien ne me garantissait qu’ils n’en fasse pas un thriller psychologique où l’accent serait mis sur le doute existentialiste des pilotes quand au bien fondé de coller des pains dans des tronches !

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie
L’adaptation ciné de Bioshock s’annonce prometteuse !

Heureusement, sur ce point, je me trompais. Pacific Rim parle bien de Robots Géants qui sauvent le monde une tarte dans la mouille après l’autre. Malheureusement, la stupidité Hollywoodienne habituelle n’a pas pu s’empêcher de s’infiltrer un peu partout, noyant l’awesomeness du concept sous une tonne d’incohérences et autres clichés moisis.

Ces pépites de caca seront-elles suffisantes pour que tout le film ait un goût de mairde ? Combien de métaphores scatophiles contiendra cet article ? Brendon saura-t-il pardonner à Brenda lorsqu’il découvrira qu’elle est en réalité la fille du frère de son oncle par alliance du côté de sa mère paternel ? Bref, en rût pour l’aventure comme disent les obsédés !



Champignon Pacific Rim, la critique pourrie

Le film démarre au fond de l’océan Pacifique où une étrange faille est en train de s’ouvrir. La voix-off explique qu’il s’agit d’un portail entre les dimensions qui fait poper des monstres géants à intervalles réguliers, transformant le pitch du film en quelque chose de dangereusement similaire à Doom échelle 10.

  • Voix-Off : Le premier monstre géant qui est sorti de la faille nous a quand même sacrément mis la misère ! Il nous a fallu 6 jours pour le trucider ce qui lui a laissé le temps de bousiller une dizaine de villes américaines (en terme de gravité ça équivaut à 500 villes d’étrangie) avec ses gros sabots. En même temps, on a une excuse pour avoir mis autant de temps, on était sévèrement handicapés par notre aviation en carton formée à l’école de pilotage d’Al-Qaïda suivant les tactiques de vol Japonaises peaufinées lors de la 2nd guerre mondiale !!1

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Face à une telle débâcle et, constatant que des monstres continuaient à sortir de la faille, les gouvernements de la terre décidèrent de s’unir contre cette menace ! Bien sûr, au lieu de faire ce que toute personne avec un minimum de sens tactique aurait fait, à savoir placer des centaines de sous-marins autour de la faille pour dégommer les monstres qui en sortent les uns après les autres voir la recouvrir d’un sarcophage, ils ont construit des robots géants et les ont installés le long des côtes pacifiques. J’imagine que les installer directement près de la faille pour intercepter les monstres avant qu’ils ne sautent à pieds joints dans des villes pleines de civils innocent qui pleurent leur mère n’aurait pas été très fairplay. C’est important l’honneur comme le prouve un proverbe Japonais célèbre : "Honneur Oh désespoir Oh vieillesse ennemie" !!!

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

S’ensuit un petit cours de vocabulaire. Contrairement à ce que l’on pourrait penser, les monstres n’ont pas été nommés "Holy shit ce truc est énoooorme" mais "Kaijus" (monstre dans la langue des tentacle pr0n) pour rendre hommage aux Japonais qui ont tenté de prévenir le monde de l’imminence de cette catastrophe avec leurs films prémonitoires pleins de créatures en mousse !

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie
Faut avouer, niveau prophétie, ça a plus de gueule qu’un bouquin de Nostradamus !

Les robots ont quant à eux été nommés "Jaeger" ("chasseur" en parlé Derrick de la bouche), probablement pour faire plaisir aux amateurs de jeux de mot foireux…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

…et rendre hommage aux Allemands parce que, euh… ils font de très bonnes saucisses cherchez pas !!! En même temps, on ne va pas trop se plaindre, ils ont quand même réussi à trouver le seul mot de cette langue qui sonne bien. Au début ils avaient pensé utiliser "Robot" mais faut avouer que piloter des "Roboter" ça faisait pas franchement rêver !

Bref, la voix-off, qui est bien décidée à nous fourrer un maximum d’exposition dans le bec en un minimum de temps, continue son speech en expliquant que les Jaegers fonctionnent grâce à du technobullshit couplé à un système de commandes neuronales. Ce système neuronal permet de connecter directement le cerveau des pilotes au cerveau des robots même si ce sont des machines et qu’elles n’ont pas vraiment de boyaux dans la tête.

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

L’ennui c’est que ces robots sont si perfectionnés qu’un seul cerveau est incapable de supporter la charge neurale et c’est pourquoi elle doit être partagée entre deux pilotes, un pour l’hémisphère gauche et l’autre pour l’hémisphère droit. Comme ça, un des pilotes s’occupe des maths et de la tactique pendant que l’autre gère la poésie et la danse, c’est super pratique !

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

D’ailleurs, même si les pilotes sont censés partager un seul cerveau avec le robot, cela ne les empêche pas de devoir actionner physiquement plein de manivelles et autres boutons malgré tout, rendant cette histoire de lien neural totalement inutile !

Mais au fait, en parlant de robot, ça fait 5mn que le film a commencé et le manque de pains métalliques dans des gueules commence à devenir suspect !! Vite, réparons ça !



Champignon Goldorak Autolargue !!

Dans une base en Alaska, une alarme retentit, réveillant en sursaut notre "héros", que j’appellerai "Flamaverik" qui est la contraction de Flamby et Maverik en hommage à la consistance de son jeu et au fait que son rôle est quand même une sacré repompe de Top Gun les mains au panier en moins, et son frère. Un Kaiju a été repéré près des côtes ! Comme il n’y a pas une minute à perdre, ils s’équipent de leur tenue magique de pilote…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

…avant de se s’installer dans la tête du robot au nom le plus discriminant jamais vu : "Gipsy Danger" (Danger Gitan). J’imagine que "Romanian Expulsion" et "Manouche Mefiance" n’étaient pas dispos pour cette mission, probablement réquisitionnés pour balancer des immigrants par-dessus des frontières ou je ne sais quoi.

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Bref, une fois les deux pilotes harnachés et leurs cerveaux connectés (ce qui ne les empêchera pas de se parler à haute voix tout au long de la mission), la tête du robot descend trouzmilles étages en ascenseur jusqu’au corps sur lequel elle vient s’attacher, ajoutant ainsi des milliers de mécanismes ultra complexes qui ne servent à rien et qui pourraient foutre toute la mission en l’air si un seul boulon était de traviole juste parce que ça fait cool ! C’est tellement inutile que le mec qui à conçu cette machine doit être le même glandu qui a pondu le fameux Autolargue de Goldorak, vous savez, celui qui fait deux demi tours juste pour le fun :


Because science and shit §§

Pour ne rien arranger, la bouche d’admission de la turbine du robot est placée en plein milieu de son torse et illuminée de mille feux ce qui est une idée aussi débile que de construire des chars avec les réservoirs d’essence rouges fluos non blindés à l’avant ou des avions qui ne peuvent attaquer qu’en rase motte… oups, en fait c’est carrément cohérent avec l’univers du film, oubliez ce que j’ai dit !!

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Mais pas le temps de s’appesantir sur des détails techniques dans un film avec des robots qui tabassent des lézards géants, le commandant Mac Major est sur le pont, prêt à lancer la mission !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Procédure standard d’interception 01-7b ! Go !

  • Flamaverik : J’ai un trou de mémoire chef, la 01-7b c’est celle où on lui colle des coups de manchette dans la face ou celle de la brûlure indienne ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Aucune idée, je trouvais juste que ça faisait pro !

  • Frère de Flamaverik : Chef, il y a un souci, un bateau de pêche se trouve sur notre route d’interception. On ne peut pas choper le Kaiju un peu plus loin ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Bien sûr que non ! Sans ça, la scène ne serait pas aussi artificiellement dramatique ! Go bon sang !! Chaque seconde de parlote est une seconde sans ultra violence métallique !!1

Pendant ce temps, au large, le fameux bateau de pêche tombe nez à nez avec le Kaiju qui, au lieu de continuer sa route pour aller massacrer des millions de personnes dans les villes côtières plus loin, décide de s’occuper personnellement de l’embarcation pour montrer qu’il est vraiment trèèèèès méchant ! Evidemment, monstre nanar oblige, au lieu de se débarrasser de l’embarcation d’un pet, il s’arrête et lui grogne dessus de longues secondes dans l’espoir vain qu’il coule tout seul de peur ou je ne sais quoi…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Evidement, ces longues secondes permettent à "Romanichel Péril" de sauver le bateau "in extremis", lui laissant le champs libre pour avoiner copieusement le pif du Kaiju à grands coups de sauts de la troisième corde suivi d’un tombstone piledriver !! Il achève son combo par un tir de canon plasma qu’on se demande bien pourquoi il ne l’a pas utilisé dès le début du combat vu son efficacité et vu qu’il permet de NE PAS ALLER AU CONTACT DU MONSTRE GEANT AVEC UNE TETE EN FORME DE COUTEAU DE 15M !!1 Et ne me parlez pas de "parce qu’ils veulent être sûr de tirer juste", avec une cible qui fait la taille d’une île, même Gilbert Montagné avec un coup dans le pif y arriverait !!! Enfin, ils ont une excuse, j’imagine qu’ils suivent juste le fameux protocole "Power Rangers", celui qui oblige à se battre à armes égales avec son adversaire même quand on dispose de technologie avancée, par fairplay !

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Gens du voyage Risque : Mission accomplie ! On a buté le Kaiju, enfin je crois, mais c’est pas comme si on risquait quelque chose à ne pas vérifier ! On rentre à la base !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Vous avez désobéi à un ordre direct en sauvant ce bateau ! Pour la peine je froncerai très fort les sourcils pendant tout le reste du film, ça vous apprendra !

  • Mec dans la salle de contrôle : Le Kaiju n’est pas mort, je répète, le Kaiju n’est pas mort ! Mes milliers de capteurs placés magiquement au fond de l’océan m’indiquent que le pouls de la bête est de 130 bpm et que son taux de cholestérol vient de passer à 12.7% !!

  • Gens du voyage risque : Crotte ! Il est passé où !! Ah si seulement tous nos capteurs n’était pas placés sur l’avant du robot par soucis d’anthropomorphisme mal placé et si on avait pensé à installer un vieux sonar moisi que même un pauvre chalutier possède.

  • Commandant Mac Major : Récupérez le bateau et revenez à la base immédiatement ! Je répète, récupérez le bateau !!

  • Gens du voyage risque : Faudrait savoir, vous vouliez qu’on le sacrifie tout à l’heure !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Oui et bien je… euh…

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Le Kaiju, qui respecte lui aussi le protocole Power Rangers, se rappelle soudainement qu’il a des griffes ! Il surgit donc hors de l’eau et, prenant "Romanichelle Risque" par surprise, il lui arrache une partie de la tête, tuant le frère de notre héros. Tout cela confirme que, décidemment, installer les pilotes d’un robot géant à une extrémité exposée au lieu de les coller dans les entrailles du torse et blinder le tout, c’est quand même une belle idée de mayrde.

"Flamaverik", malgré le choc de la perte de son frère, donne le coup de grâce au monstre avec un second tir de canon plasma. Ceci fait, il traine péniblement "Gens du voyage Attention" jusqu’à une plage parce que l’armée n’a pas jugé utile d’affréter des hélicoptères et des bateaux sur les lieux de l’affrontement pour récupérer sa technologie de pointe hors de prix. En même temps, vu que pendant tout le film ils n’enverront aucun avion ou char aider leurs robots à coup de missiles, faut pas trop leur en demander, ils ont dû les réquisitionner pour en faire des logements sociaux ou je ne sais quoi.



Champignon Plan B avec un B comme "Boudiou que c’est stupide"

5 ans après ce terrible drame, on retrouve le Commandant Mac Major en pleine vidéoconférence avec les dirigeants du monde soit les Etats-Unis et quelques autres pays qui sont là pour faire de la figuration.

  • Président du monde Américain : Yo commandant ! Ca gaz ? La femme les gosses tak tak tranquille ?? Bon, j’ai une bonne et une mauvaise nouvelle. La mauvaise c’est que, comme les Kaijus évoluent et pètent la gueule à notre technologie la plus avancée, on arrête le programme Jaeger. La bonne c’est qu’on va le remplacer par notre technologie la moins avancée : un bon gros mur ! Comme ça, le Pacifique se remplira progressivement d’énormes monstres mutants et tout le monde sera en sécurité !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : Sauf votre respect Monsieur, ce plan pue grave du derche.

  • Président du monde Américain : Oh ça va hein ! C’est pas comme si votre histoire de robots qui glandent sur la côte était aussi stupide que de s’occuper de problèmes de fuites urinaires en se contentant d’essorer de temps à autre ses chaussettes ! Là au moins, avec le mur, on utilise une couche !!!

  • Commandant Mac Major : Sauf que dans votre cas, Monsieur, ce n’est pas une couche mais un sac poubelle avec un trou pour la tête que vous aller utiliser vu que votre mur sera construit autour du pacifique tout entier, sur des milliers de kilomètres alors que vous pourriez simplement bétonner la faille vu qu’on sait où elle est ! En plus, c’est pas comme si ces monstres traversaient des barres d’immeubles comme dans du beurre. Vous comptez le construire en quoi ? En Bullshitium ?? J’espère au moins que vous déploierez quelques canons et patrouilles d’avions pour le protéger !!

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Président du monde Américain : Ah mais on va en déployer ! Les Mirage 2000, une fois coulés dans du béton, renforcent admirablement la structure du mur ! En plus on a mit nos meilleurs spécialistes sur l’affaire !

  • Président Israélien : Euh, oui, enfin les murs vous savez, on galère déjà pas mal à arrêter des zombies avec alors des monstres de 120 mètres de haut, je suis pas sûr. Surtout qu’ils ne sont pas kascher et tout.

  • Président du monde Américain : Parfait, c’est réglé alors ! Bon, c’est pas le trou mais le tampax. Commandant, je vous laisse 8 mois le temps que le mur soit terminé et après vous irez pointer aux Assedics. Bisous !

Pendant ce temps, notre héros, Flamaverik, participe justement à la construction du mur le plus stupide de l’univers. Alors qu’il prend sa pause déjeuner, il apprend à la télévision que le mur anti-Kaiju de Sydney n’a pas résisté plus longtemps qu’un château de sable entre les mains d’un mioche hystérique et que la ville a été sauvée de justesse par le dernier Jaeger Australien, quelle surprise !

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Malheureusement, malgré cet évènement, les dirigeants du monde n’ayant ni télévision ni services de renseignements, ils ne changeront strictement rien de leurs plans de tout le film à la lumière de cette débâcle. A cet instant, un hélicoptère débarque près du mur, le Commandant Mac Major à son bord. Il se dirige sans hésiter vers Flamaverik !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Hé, Flamaverik, tu me reconnais ? C’est moi ? Stacker Pentecost mais mes amis m’appellent Commandant ou Maître !

  • Flamaverik : Vos parents vous détestait pour vous avoir choisi un blaze pareil ou vous vous êtes cru sur internet ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Oui, euh… c’est une longue histoire ! En tout cas, j’ai besoin de ton aide ! Que dis-je, le monde a besoin de ton aide !!

  • Flamaverik : Pourquoi moi ? J’aime bien servir à rien en construisant des murs en carton alors j’espère que vous avez une bonne raison.

  • Commandant Mac Major : Eh bien, on a reconstruit le "Bohémien Attention" et tu es le seul capable de le piloter, du moins, si on oublie la dizaine de candidats potentiels compatibles pour remplacer ton frère décédé !

  • Flamaverik : Vous voulez dire que vous avez reconstruit une antiquité moisie pilotée par un type probablement atteint de stress post-traumatique au lieu de construire un modèle Mark VIIIIII à la place ?? Oui je n’ai jamais bien comprit comment fonctionnent les chiffres romains et je vous pouet !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : On ne pouvait pas se permettre de sauver le monde sans un robot des USA de l’Amérique dans le tas voyons !! Un peu de bon sens ! Alors, vous en êtes ?

  • Flamaverik : Euh, je ne sais pas trop.

  • Commandant Mac Major : Même si je me met à parler très fort accompagné de musique volume 11 pour appuyer mes propos grandguignolesques ?

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Flamaverik : Punaise, vous savez trouver les mots ! C’est d’accord, j’en suis !

Et c’est ainsi que notre héros se rend dans la base des GI Joe dernière base de Jaegers de la planète.



Champignon Go Go Power rangers *tududududuu* !

Cette base a été installée à Hong Kong parce que faut bien fayoter le marché chinois sans trop perturber le public américain avec des pays qui parlent trop l’étranger. Une fois débarqué, notre héros est accueilli par Mako Moulage, responsable de la reconstruction du "Manouche Pas Touche" et quasi unique présence féminine de la fête à la saucisse de Francfort qu’est le casting de ce film. Le Commandant Mac Major fait le tour du propriétaire :

  • Commandant Mac Major : Et maintenant sur votre droite, le hangar ou sont stockés les derniers Jaegers que nous avons pu rassembler. Nos critères de sélection sont très stricts, seuls les gros clichés sont autorisés. Voici d’ailleurs "Nems Panda", un Jaeger Mark IV ultra perfectionné piloté par 3 frères communistes chinois dont le seul développement de personnage est leur passion pour le basket. Vous noterez qu’il a 3 bras, *chuchote* le 3ème est pour Tchang, c’est un peu l’idiot de la famille.

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

    Ici se trouve "Poutine Vodka", un vieux Mark I qui est en permanence accompagné par l’orchestre des cœurs de l’armée rouge des fois que sa tronche de char soviétique ne trahisse pas suffisamment ses origines. Il est piloté par deux blondes décolorés, dont une avec pénis.

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

    Et enfin, tout là bas vous avez "Kangourou Koala", le Jaeger de dernière génération qui a sauvé Sidney, piloté par un père et son fils. Mais attention *pause dramatique* le pauvre enfant, depuis qu’il a partagé le souvenir de son père faisant une brouette Javanaise à sa mère, il n’a plus jamais été le même. C’est d’ailleurs pour ça qu’il aura le rôle du Blaireau de service pendant le reste du film mais comme il se sacrifiera noblement à la fin il sera pardoooooups j’en ai trop dit ! Vous tâcherez d’avoir l’air étonné quand ce twist "inattendu et jamais vu auparavant" surviendra soldat !

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Flamaverik : D’accord chef, mais, c’est tout ? 4 Jaegers ? Où sont passés "Pluie Beurre Salée", "Spaghetti Mafiosi" et "Oktöber Würt" ??

  • Commandant Mac Major : Disons que leur pronostic vital était engagé et qu’ils n’ont pas eu de chance au grattage ! Si vous voulez regarder vers la caméra en contre plongée et crier "NOOOOOOOON" de façon nanarde c’est le moment ou jamais soldat !

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Flamaverik : Nope, ça ira merci. J’espère qu’avec un effectif aussi réduit vous avez un plan ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Bien sûr ! On va balancer une bombe nucléaire dans la faille.

  • Flamaverik : Sainte mayrde ! C’est brillant chef ! Vous êtes naturellement doué ou c’est la finition à la pisse de vos parents qui lubrifie vos réseaux synaptiques avec autant d’efficacité ? On a déjà essayé !!! Les bombes ne passent pas dans la faille !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Oui mais c’est pour ça qu’on va, euh, oh regardez, une animation 3D de diversion réalisée par un de nos deux scientifiques inutiles pour les deux demeurés au fond de la salle qui pensent que "mettre une bombe dans un trou" signifie "enterrer une bonnasse" !

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Flamaverik : Bon, admettons, vous allez vous la procurer comment la bombe si les gouvernements ne nous financent plus ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Grâce à nos deux pilotes russes bien sûr ! Les Popov ont la vente d’arme dans le sang et leur maîtrise de l’énergie atomique est reconnue mondialement ! J’aurais bien demandé aux chinois mais les connaissant, ils nous auraient fourni un tube métallique rempli à ras bord de claques-doigt avec le logo nucléaire taggé vite fait sur le côté, ces sales fourbasses de bridés.

  • Flamaverik : J’espère que vous avez un ami asiatique sinon vous venez d’être raciste, monsieur. Bon bah du coup on a qu’à lancer la mission maintenant, tant qu’il n’y a pas de nouveaux Kaijus qui sortent de la faille. Après tout, on sait prédire leur rythme d’apparition, on peut se synchroni....

  • Commandant Mac Major : Mais vous êtes fou soldat !!?? Le "Romanichel Menace" n’est pas encore prêt !! Sans robot des USA de l’Amérique, la mission sera inévitablement vouée à l’échec ! Le cinéma ne vous a donc rien apprit !!!!1

  • Flamaverik : Mais…

  • Commandant Mac Major : Il n’y a pas de mais soldat !! Il n’y a plus de mais !! On est dans un fraking film de robots géants ok !! VOUS CONNAISSEZ LA DEFINITION ENCYCLOPEDIQUE DE ROBOT GEANT ?? "LIEU OU LES LOIS DE LA PHYSIQUE SE RENDENT POUR MOURIR" ALORS VOTRE LOGIQUE VOUS VOUS LA METTEZ OU JE PENSE §§ ET OUI JE PENSE A VOTRE ANUS faut vraiment tout expliquer dans cette taule §§

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Flamaverik : Chef oui chef !!

La mise au point terminée, notre héros va à la cantoche où il se fait insulter par "Blaireau" qui est vraiment très méchant tout en ayant un bon fond et un sens du sacrifice hors du commun mais chuuuuuuut, avant de se rendre à la sélection de son nouveau co-pilote.



Champignon La sélection en carton

Pour ceux qui se demandent comment on sélectionne des candidats pour piloter des robots géants composés de 3000 tonnes de métal et d’awesome, c’est simple, avec des duels au bâton bien sûr !! Faites pas vos étonnés, on choisit bien nos pilotes d’avions de chasse avec des tournois de Puissance 4 et les officiers sous-mariniers à la course en sac alors bon, hein !

Après avoir tabassé quelques niakoués sous les yeux de Mako Moulage et Commandant Mac Major, notre héros se dit qu’il collerait bien son gros bâton turgescent sur la seule fille du casting ayant plus de 2 lignes de dialogues :

  • Flamaverik : Hé Mako, paraît que tu gères grave le pilotage de robots en simulateur alors viens te battre si t’es un homme en forme de femme !!!1

  • Commandant Mac Major : NON ! Je l’interdis ! Mako Moulage a perdu ses parents, tués par les Kaijus, ce qui ne la rend pas plus spéciale que les 99.9% de la population qui ont perdu des proches dans les attaques de monstres géants ces dernières années. Son envie de vengeance est trop dangereuse, contrairement à la tienne parce que… euh *saigne à nouveau du nez* et voilà ça recommence ! Faut vraiment que j’arrête d’essayer d’être logique. Ok, c’est bon, battez vous, ranafout !!!

Les Japonaises étant naturellement douées en arts martiaux (sauf en présence de tentacules, bien entendu), elle rétame la face de notre héros.

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Ravi, ce dernier annonce :

  • Flamaverik : C’est elle que je veux comme copilote !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Non, j’ai changé d’avis.

  • Mako Moulage : Mais tu avais promis !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Ah oui mais non…

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Mako Moulage lance *regard de bambi* C’est très efficace !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Bon, ok, vous pouvez aller tester le robot !

De son côté, le commandant se rend au département R&D de la base….



Champignon Science and shit !

…département composé de seulement deux scientifiques, les milliers d’autres bossant sur le projet Jaeger ayant été affectés au projet "mur" pour développer des parpaings connectés en wifi et autres truelles numériques, j’imagine. Heureusement, pour compenser, ils sont supra intelligents comme le prouve leurs grands gestes et le fait qu’il parlent super vite en utilisant plein de mots de plus de trois syllabes et tout !

L’un d’eux, un spécialiste des Kaijus appelé Newt, probablement parce que ses parents sont supra fan de la pub "Njut" d’IKEA et qu’ils le détestent, explique au Commandant que tous les monstres géants ayant attaqué la terre possèdent le même ADN. Il en a conclu donc qu’il s’agit de clones même si aucun d’entre eux n’a la même tronche parce que euh… ta gueule, c’est génétique !!

  • Newt : Et ce n’est pas tout ! En utilisant la technologie neuronale des Jaeger, je me suis connecté à la cervelle d’un Kaiju. J’ai découvert qu’en fait ils sont créés par une race supérieures, les "Maîtres", dont le but est de nous éradiquer de la planète !

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

    Ils ont déjà tenté le coup à l’époque des dinosaures mais le moment n’était pas propice alors ils ont attendu et comme l’humanité a bien pollué la planète avec son CO2 et tout, c’est comme si on avait déjà terraformé la terre pour eux !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : Whoâ ! Cette dénonciation écologique est si profonde qu’on pourrait y enterrer la connerie humaine toute entière qu’il resterait de la place ! Ca donne une nouvelle dimension psychologique au film ! Si je ne risquais pas d’être reformé pour faute grave en le faisant, j’en pleurerais tellement c’est beau !!

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

    Sinon, vous savez pourquoi les "Maîtres" n’envoient qu’un Kaiju après l’autre au lieu de nous en balancer 15 d’un coup et on en parle plus ? Ils se sont cru dans un RPG Jap ou quoi ??

  • Newt : Aucune idée mais si j’avais un deuxième cerveau en bon état, enfin, cerveau de Kaiju je veux dire, le mien j’ai perdu espoir depuis un moment, je pourrais retenter l’expérience. On doit bien en avoir un qui traine quelque part ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Pourquoi on garderait des saloperies pareilles ? Pour battre le record du plus gros Riz de veau de la terre ?

  • Newt : Bah, je ne sais pas, pour étudier leurs points faibles !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : Mais on connaît déjà leurs points faibles, ils en ont deux :

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

    C’est tout ce qu’on a besoin de savoir ok ! Vous voudriez pas qu’on prenne un avantage technique sur ces bestioles en les *mime les guillemets* "Etudiant" !! Cela dit, vous avez de la chance, je connais un type louche qui fait du trafic d’organes de Kaiju dans un des quartiers les plus glauque et dangereux de Hong Kong, il doit bien avoir une cervelle qui traine quelque part, vous devriez aller lui demander tout seul, sans escorte militaire.

  • Newt : Hé ! Vous pouvez pas plutôt envoyer un des figurants qui sert à rien ?? Genre lui là, ça fait trois fois que je le vois passer dans le couloir pour faire genre qu’il y a du mouvement ! Ou lui là bas, qui tape sur son écran de contrôle comme un mioche sous exta sur un téléphone playskool !! Et lui là…

  • Commandant Mac Major : C’est un ordre !! Tous les figurants sont indispensables au bon fonctionnement de la base ! C’est pas comme si vous étiez la seule personne au monde a détenir des informations primordiales sur notre ennemi de toute façon alors bougez vous ! Tenez, prenez cette lampe à UV, elle vous permettra de trouver les minuscules symboles cachés parmi les trouzmillions de surfaces planes de Hong Kong, ils vous mèneront aux trafiquants.

Et c’est ainsi que démarre la sous intrigue la plus inutile du film !



Champignon Crash test

Pendant ce temps, Flamaverik et Mako Moulage commencent leurs essais de synchronisation neurale. Tout se passe bien jusqu’au moment ou Mako est atteinte d’une crise de flashback !! Notre héros, qui partage son souvenir, se retrouve dans une sorte de remake couleur de la liste de Schindler mais avec un pokémon dopé aux hormones de croissances à la place des Nazis.

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

On y apprend également que l’aviation est toujours aussi inutile :

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Bref, le souvenir de Mako est celui d’une petite fille terrifiée, poursuivie dans les décombres abandonnées d’une ville par le grand vilain Kaiju. Comme elle flippe sa race, elle active instinctivement le canon plasma du "Gitan Suspect" pour se défendre, menaçant de faire sauter toute la base des Jaegers parce que bon, c’est connu, quand on fait des essais de pilotage impliquant deux pilotes au passé psychotique, on laisse bien toutes ses armes de destruction massives activées !! Au moins ça motive à pas se foirer ! Par exemple, moi j’ai appris à conduire assis sur une bombe thermonucléaire qui sautait si je calais, ça a très bien marché !!

Notre héros tente de la rassurer, en vain ! Que va-t-il se passer ?? Le dernier espoir de l’humanité va-il s’évanouir au milieu d’explosions et de cris de marcassins ?? Le suspense est à son com…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

La catastrophe évitée, Blaireau, très colère, rentre dans le lard de Flamaverik et Mako Moulage, leur reprochant la mise en danger de toute l’opération. La confrontation montant rapidement dans les tours, elle se termine avec les deux hommes se comparant leurs longueurs de pénis en utilisant leurs poings dans la tronche en guise de mètre ruban. Le commandant Mac Major est obligé de s’interposer :

  • Commandant Mac Major : Arrêtez tout de suite !! Si vous continuez Mako sera privée de robot !!

  • Flamaverik : Vous ne pouvez pas faire ça !! Je connais votre secret, j’ai tout vu dans le souvenir de Mako ! En vrai…

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Commandant Mac Major : Oh bon sang… Plus je vous vois et plus je me dis que votre frère mort devait représenter à lui seul 99.9% du QI de votre binôme. Quand j’étais pilote de Jaeger, j’ai juste sauvé Mako ok ! Depuis, je me sens le devoir de la protéger, voilà, vous êtes content !! D’ailleurs, avant que j’ai une nouvelle attaque de logique, elle a le droit de conduire à nouveau le "Manouche Pensez à fermer à clé vos maison, on sait jamais avec ces gens là ma bonne dame". Ca ne fera que la 20ème fois que je change d’avis après tout !!

Mais pas le temps de se réjouir, une alarme retentit !



Champignon Stranger in the fail

Des capteurs ont repéré l’arrivée de deux Kaijus près de la faille ! Celle-ci se trouvant à 5 minutes de l’ensemble les côtes du globe, il n’y a pas une minute à perdre !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : "Nems Panda" et "Poutine Vodka" mèneront l’assaut ! "Kangourou Koala" restera en arrière et n’interviendra qu’en cas d’absolue nécessité ! On a besoin de lui pour transporter la charge nucléaire pour mon super plan vu qu’il n’existe aucun autre véhicule AU MONDE capable de transporter des ogives nucléaire sous l’eau !!

    Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

    Rompez !!

Les robots se mettent en formation, transportés sur la côte par les hélicoptères les plus puissants du monde. A peine débarqués, ils sont agressés par un des deux Kaijus. Le robot chinois passe alors en "FORMATION NUAGE", formation qui consiste à activer des scies circulaires au bout de ses 3 bras, scies qui ne découpent strictement rien même quand le monstre s’amuse à les choper à pleines mains ! Pour parachever cette awesome démonstration d’inutilité, "Nems Panda" projette son adversaire très loin dans les airs parce que, euh…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Les Russes prennent le relais en tabassant le Kaiju à coup de poing montés sur vérin dans un magnifique hommage à l’inspecteur gadget !

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Hélas pour eux, leur badasserie est de courte durée ! Lorsque les Kaijus se rendent compte qu’ils ont affaire à des robots non américains dans un film Hollywoodien, ils leur éclatent la face en deux secondes sous le regard terrifié de "Kangourou Koala" qui observe le combat de loin :

  • Kangourou Koala : Chef, ils sont en train de se faire meuler la face !! Autorisation d’intervenir ?

  • Commandant Mac Major : Négatif Kangourou Koala ! N’intervenez pas !! La destruction de 50% de notre effectif de Jaeger ne représente pas une nécessité absolue !! Ils sont pilotés par des équipages de non-anglophones communistes !! COMMUNISTES §§

  • Kangourou Koala : On y va quand même !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : Bon d’accord.

Hélas, "Kangourou Koala" n’a pas le temps de les sauver qu’un des Kaiju balance une décharge EMP désactivant tous les Jaegers de la zone, la base des Jaeger et Hong Kong !! Pourquoi utilise-t-il cette arme seulement maintenant ? Mais parce qu’il tire son énergie des baffes qu’il prend dans sa tronche bien sûr, fallait lui laisser le temps de charger !!

  • Mec dans la salle de contrôle : ARG §§ Plus rien ne fonctionne ! Il nous faudra 2h pour redémarrer le courant de la base quand bien même Hong Kong n’aura besoin que de quelques secondes comme le prouveront les prochaines scènes de sa destruction !!! NOUS SOMMES FOUTUS ET JE NE PEUX MEME PAS FAIRE L’AMOUR AVEC UNE FILLE POUR PROFITER DE MES DERNIERS SECONDES D’EXISTANCE VU QUE POUR RENDRE CE FILM PLUS COUILLU IL FAUDRAIT GREFFER DES TESTICULES A SA BOBINE §§

  • Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

  • Flamaverik : Hola, du calme ! "Gitan Danger" fonctionne en nucléaire analogique il n’a donc pas été affecté par l’impulsion électromagnétique, on peut intervenir !!

Je… Euh… Patientez quelques minutes, j’ai besoin de rester seul un moment.

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Ca va mieux. Je parlais de quoi déjà ? Ah oui, de nucléaire ana…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Désolé, je…je me reprend. Ca va aller, seul le temps pourra soigner cette blessure à présent. Nan mais sérieusement !! Du nucléaire analogique !! Qui a écrit une stupidité pareille ?! Je sais, c’est pour rendre hommage à "Giant Robo" mais dans ce cas pourquoi choisir le truc le plus stupide que cet anime ait jamais contenu ?!

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Même si le "Manouche Attention" fonctionne véritablement en analogique…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

…l’analogique ne suffit pas à protéger des impulsions électro magnétiques !!! Et quand bien même il aurait résisté, la base n’a plus de courant !! Ils ne peuvent plus faire de largage inutile de tête ou ouvrir les hangars !! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! STUPIDITY OVERLOOOOOOOAD §§§

Bref, on la refait mais en plus cohérent !

  • Flamaverik : Hola, du calme ! "Gitan Danger" fonctionne grâce à l’action combinée du pouvoir de l’amour et des pets de licorne, on peut intervenir !!

Et c’est ainsi que les USA partent sauver le monde !



Champignon Payback tiem !

Pendant ce temps, "Blaireau" et son père sont pris au piège dans leur Jaeger désactivé. L’heure est très grave, l’un des Kaiju commence même à se frotter dessus et s’il continue il va falloir passer des heures à tout nettoyer au Karsher.

  • Père de Blaireau : J’ai une idée !! Au lieu de rester bien à l’abri dans le robot, on va faire un truc vraiment très con. C’est pas comme si on était du personnel militaire indispensable ou je ne sais quoi.

  • Blaireau : Par "très con" tu veux bien sur dire "risqué mais audacieux" ?

  • Père de Blaireau : *Regarde son fils interloqué pendant de longue secondes* Non, juste très très con !

Et c’est ainsi que les deux pilotes sortent du robot, bien à découvert, pour, hum…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie
YOLO !!

  • Blaireau : Whoâ, énerver une machine de destruction de 120m de haut tout en étant à découvert, j’avoue, c’est une idée qui refoule du goulot. Pour faire pire il aurait fallu se tirer directement la fusée dans la bouche ! Bon bah vu qu’on va mourir, ravi de t’avoir connu et tout !

  • *Père de Blaireau lui adresse un clin d’œil entendu*

  • Blaireau : Nan ! Me dis pas que tu as encore lu le script espèce d’escroc !!

Apparemment c’est le cas puisque "Romanichelle Houlala" débarque soudainement pour tabasser le Kaiju. Evidemment, comme il est made in "USA USA USA §§", il parvient à le buter au cours d’un combat awesomesauce impliquant, dans l’ordre, un rocket-punch, un poing américain en forme de container de bateau, un german-souplex et un copieux défonçage au canon plasma ! Je ne suis pas sur que ce soit lié mais mes sous vêtements étaient étrangement collants à la fin de cet affrontement.

  • Flamaverik : Attend, avant d’aller latter le second Kaiju, assurons nous que celui-ci est bien mort ! Je vais tirer 15 fois au canon plasma, ça devrait faire l’affaire.

  • Mako Moulage : Inutile de gâcher les dernières les munitions de notre seule arme à distance, on a qu’a juste lui sauter dessus à pied joi…*PIOU PIOU PIOU* MAIS C’EST QUOI TON PROBLEME §§§

Le premier Kaiju kaputt, le "Gitan Mefiance" part à l’assaut du second dans une scène qui permet de rappeler une information important mais, hélas, souvent méconnue : Batte et Bateau c’est quand même deux mots phonétiquement super proches !!

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Hélas, se faire cogner dessus par un super tanker ne suffit pas à tuer la bête qui, grâce à la magie du hors champs, commence une séance de cache cache improvisée !! Evidemment, vu que personne n’a encore pensé à monter un radar sur "Manouche Risque", celui-ci se fait surprendre par le Kaiju surgissant de l’intérieur d’un immeuble (oui, les immeubles fonctionnent comme les boites en carton, on les soulève pour se planquer en dessous, MGS ne vous à donc rien appris ??). Profitant de la confusion, le monstre déploie soudain ses ailes qu’il avait pas jugé bon d’utiliser jusque là parce que, euh…

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

"Tzigane Méfiance" entre ses griffes, le Kaiju s’envole vers la stratosphère en s’appuyant sur les atomes de pensée magique de la haute atmosphère, j’imagine. La situation est dramatique !

  • Mako Moulage : Hé ! Attend ! C’est quoi ce bouton là avec une grosse épée vorpale lumineuse dessinée dessus ? C’est écrit : Deus ex Machi…

  • Flamaverik : Essaie toujours au pire mais je doute que ça serve à grand-chose, si c’était une supra arme tu m’en aurais parlé vu que c’est toi qui a retapé le bousin.

    *Mako appuie*

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

*Tousse*

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie

Pardon, je ne le ferai plus, la blessure était trop récente :’(

Bref, le Kaiju est coupé en deux, le Jaeger fait une chute de 20 zigazillions de mètres sans perdre un seul PV parce que le scénario à décidé de poser aussi souvent que possible ses testicules sur le front de Newton et la foule est en délire !!!

Pacific Rim la critique pourrie



Champignon La vengeance de l’intrigue inutile

Pendant ce temps là, notre ami scientifique a mis la main sur le vendeur d’organes de Kaiju incarné par Ron Perlman dans le rôle de Ron Perlman. S’ensuit une discussion philosophique naze :

  • Scientifique : Vous croyez que les Kaijus sont des créatures envoyées par dieu pour nous punir ?

  • Ron Perlman : Non, je crois que la poudre d’os de Kaiju me rapporte 500$ le gramme !

  • Scientifique : Ouais ! C’est ça, et mon cul c’est des chicken Mac Nuggets !! Si ça rapporte autant..


  • Ron Perlman : Oui… Euh… Bon, c’est pas tout ça mais faut qu’on aille te récupérer un cerveau sur les Kaijus fraichement décédé vu que l’armée est incapable de le faire elle-même ! Go !

S’ensuit le découpage d’un Kaiju qui en fait était enceinte et même que le fœtus est mort, puis il est vivant, puis il est remort, puis il mange Ron Perlman avant de remourir parce que c’est écrit dans le script ok !! Bref, avec ce cerveau de nouveau-né entre les mains, notre scientifique, aidé par le scientifique spécialiste des animations vidéo useless qui vient de se téléporter dans la scène, se connecte neuronalement pour découvrir tout plein de raccourcis scénaristiques.

  • Scientifique 1 : Oh mon dieu !! Le plan formidable du commandant ne peut pas fonctionner même si on le savait déjà vu qu’il a déjà été tenté. Vite, il faut le prévenir !!

  • Scientifique 2 : Oui !! Retournons à la base sans attendre !! Ah si seulement il existait des appareils portatifs permettant de communiquer à distance notre information cruciale, comme une sorte de boite qui enverrait notre voix vers une autre boite, ça serait drôlement chanmé comme disent les jeunes dysléxiques de la bouche !

Quel suspense !



Champignon Cham-Pi-Gnon !

Du côté de la base des Jaegers, c’est le branle bas de combat. Chacun se prépare pour la super mission du Commandant.

  • Commandant Mac Major : Bon les mecs, maintenant que les chemises rouges en forme de robots étrangers ne sont plus dans nos pattes, on lance la mission ! Les deux Jaegers restants suffiront amplement, au pire je compenserai notre force de frappe réduite avec un gros discours cliché ! Si ça a marché pour Independance Day, il n’y a pas de raison que ça ne marche pas pour nous !! Rompez !

  • Blaireau : Attendez ! Mon père est blessé, il faut quelqu’un pour le remplacer !!

  • Commandant Mac Major : Ca tombe bien, j’ai déjà piloté avec ton père alors on sera compatibles. D’ailleurs, félicitation pour les talents acrobatiques de ta mère *clin d’œil clin d’oeil*

  • Mako Moulage : NOOON Commandant Mac Major Sensei §§ Vous ne pouvez pas y aller ! Vous avez été irradié en pilotant un des tout premiers Jaeger dont le cœur nucléaire n’était pas protégé !! Si vous montez à nouveau dans un Jaeger, même un Jaeger de toute dernière génération protégé des radiations, vous allez mourir parce que le nucléaire c’est magique et tout !

  • Commandant Mac Major : Ah punaise ! C’était ça alors mes saignements de nez !! Pfiou, je suis rassuré. Cela dit, j’ai un sacrifice héroïque totalement inattendu qui m’attend alors je suis prêt à courir le risque !

  • Mako Moulage : Oh, ok…


Après le discours promis, la mission finale est lancée. Les deux Jaegers, "Gitan Danger" et "Kangourou Koala" qui transporte la bombe, sont largués en pleine mer.

  • Manouche Menace : Eh mais ! Qu’est ce qu’il se passe !! On a pas pied !! J’étais pourtant persuadé que tout l’océan pacifique faisait seulement 10 mètres de profondeur !

  • Kangourou Koala : D’ailleurs pourquoi on ne nous a pas largués juste à côté de la faille ? Marcher c’est chiant, c’est quand qu’on arrive ? Et la on est bientôt arrivé ? Et là ?? J'ai envie de faire pipi !

  • Mec de la salle de contrôle : Alerte !! Deux monstres de magnitude 4 sur l’échelle ouverte des monstres horribles viennent de sortir de la faille pour la protéger !! Vous allez devoir leur péter la mouille avant de pouvoir balancer la bombe !!

  • *Les deux scientifiques débarquent en trombe dans la salle de contrôle*

  • Scientifiques 1 & 2 : Arrêtez tout !! Le plan ne peut pas marcher !! La faille scanne l’ADN des Kaiju pour les laisser passer ! Sans ADN de Kaiju, elle restera fermée !! On aurait pu le deviner il y a des années vu que l’équation "Seul truc qui passe à travers la faille = Kaiju" ne demande pas de ceinture noire de physique quantique pour être résolue mais OSEF !!!

  • Manouche Menace : Formidable ! Plus qu’à choper un cadavre de Kaiju, y fourrer une bombe suppositoire staïl et balancer le tout dans la faille. Plus besoin de nous ici, tchao les plows !

  • Kangourou Koala : Restez soldat ! C’est un ordre ! J’ai un sacrifice à faire goddammit !

S’ensuit une baston sous-marine avec d’encore plus gros Kaijus qu’avant. "Kangourou Koala" découvre que lui aussi a des épées qu’il peut utiliser à la place de ses poings :


Hélas, ce "nouvel" armement ne suffit pas à repousser les monstres.

  • Commandant Mac Major : Ah bah quand même, maintenant que le "Kangourou Koala" est suffisamment amoché, je peux m’autodétruire !! "Tzigane Menace" est nucléaire, il pourra finir la mission en faisant sauter son cœur dans la faille !!

  • Flamaverik : Il est nucléaire ET analogique Monsieur, ne l’oublions pas !

  • Blaireau : Euh ok commandant, laissez moi juste 5mn le temps de grimper dans un caisson d’éject…


L’explosion nucléaire tue tous les Kaijus mais épargne totalement "Romanichelle Risque".


Bref, maintenant qu’il a le champs libre, notre héros se jette dans la faille accroché au cadavre d’un des monstres et comme les "Maîtres" n’ont pas pensé à faire de leur portail un truc à sens unique, ça marche !! Hélas, alors qu’il tombe lentement vers la base alien :

  • Mec du centre de contrôle : Omagad !! Mes capteurs magiques m’indiquent que le "Gens-du-voyage Attention" qui se trouve à des milliards de kilomètres d’ici de l’autre côté d’une faille dimensionnelle sous des milliers de litres d’eau perd de l’oxygène et le boulon 667 de son avant bras s’est desserré de 2 Newtons!!! Vite, je leur en envoie par wifi grâce à la puissance de l’intranet numérique !! (oui, à peu de choses près, cette scène est véridique :’))

Les services techniques par téléphone étant toujours un peu foireux, l’intervention de l’opérateur ne suffit pas. Mako Moulage décide alors de s’évanouir parce qu’il ne faudrait pas oublier que seuls les vrais hommes sauvent le monde !! Notre héros la colle dans un caisson d’éjection puis il va leeeeeeeentement lancer la fusion du cœur avant de s’éjecter lui aussi dans un caisson et tout ça pendant que le robot tombe leeeeeeentement sous les yeux ébahis des "Maîtres" !


La fusion du cœur fait tout sauter, sauf notre héros qui a un caisson magique capable de résister à la pression monstrueuse des profondeurs et de fuir plus vite que l’onde de choc d’une déflagration nucléaire !! Il refait surface aux côtés du caisson de Mako qui se précipite pour voir s’il va bien. Après un suspense incroyable à base de "va-t-il se réveiller ou est il mort d’une rupture d’anévrisme pendant la remontée après avoir frôlé la mort 9999 fois ??", notre héros ouvre les yeux, regarde Mako tendrement dans les yeux et… elle l’enlace platoniquement dans ses bras !!

Mais mais mais !! Après qu’aucun cliché n’ait été épargné jusque là, vous n’allez pas briser les codes comme ça juste à la fin !! C’est un scandale !!


La fin, enfin quoique pas vraiment puisqu'une scène post-crédit montre que Ron Perlman n’est pas mort mais on s’en tape !



Champignon Conclusage

Pacific Rim est un film de plus à ajouter à ma liste de plus en plus longue de films pleins d’incohérences, de clichés et de moments stupides que j’ai malgré tout aimé ("Bouuuuuuuuh !! Glairons lui la face ! Oser être diverti par un divertissement quel scandale !!"). Il faut dire, en tant que supra fan des robots géants, beaucoup des "erreurs" du film sont finalement inhérentes au genre (aka "pourquoi les robots ne sont jamais aidés par des chars/avions") et à sa gestion traditionnellement à géométrie variable de la physique, ce qui les rend "presque" excusables.


La physique des Mechas résumé en une image

Certes, un très grand nombre des clichés du film sont ultra horripilants, d’autant plus qu’ils auraient pu être évités très facilement pour la plupart (le mur inutile, l’épée magique, la sous intrigue avec les scientifiques, etc...) mais le tout est, heureusement, compensé par de rares scènes véritablement bien foutues (le souvenir de Mako déformé/magnifié suivant sa peur et sa joie est, je trouve, excellent, notamment grâce à la jeune actrice qui a tellement l’air de ne pas faire semblant de flipper que je me demande si Guillermo ne l’a pas tartée avant de tourner) et des clins d’œil geeks à foison collant parfois de bon gros nerdgasm :


Bref, un film qui aurait pu être tellement mieux sans son scénario en carton mais qui, en l’état, m’a tellement titillé la fibre nostalgique en tout bien tout honneur avec son spectacle généreux de destruction décérébré que je le pardonne mais attention à ne pas trop profiter de ma grande bonté namého !

Notage :

ChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignonChampignon (7/10 fan de mécha)
(5/10 les autres)

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