Top 6 des théories du complot les plus (brillamment) tordues des jeux vidéo
Salut les moutons ! C’est moi, Pédro, le roi du complot ! Vous ne me connaissez peut être pas mais ma crédibilité est en béton armé avec renforts adamantium puisqu’en plus d’être ceinture noire de science, parfaitement ambidextre de la main droite et avoir fait 500 années de recherches depuis l’âge de 3 ans, j’ai publié un ouvrage démontrant, sans l’ombre d’un doute, que l’homme n’a pas marché sur la lune :
Je vous vois déjà, ricanant derrière votre écran en vous disant "Encore un déglinguo de comploteux qui va nous expliquer que, parce que des gens ont des yeux et des mains, c’est forcément des illuminatis" !! Et bien vous vous trompez lourdement ! Je suis ici pour vous prouver que rien ni personne n’est à l’abri des théories du complot !! Si vous pensez que les jeux-vidéo sont épargnés et bien vous vous voilez encore plus la face qu’une femme d’islamiste radical pratiquant la lucha libré la terrible El Kaida et je vais vous le prouver !!!
Bon, déjà, c’est connu, ça transforme les enfants en machines de guerre complètement fofolles dedans leur tête…
…et il faut avouer que ces roulures de PNJs ont souvent l’air fichtrement suspects…
…mais tout cela n’est que la partie émergée de l’iceberg ! Des théories bien plus terrifiantes se cachent au beau milieu de vos jeux favoris et ces théories, je vais vous les dévoiler afin de briser le vernis d’illusions mis en place par la CIA du Mossad Chinois !! Mouhahaha !! Je n’ai pas peur des représailles !! je suis un déglinguo, je connais le tableau périodique des éléments par cœur enfin, celui des jeux vidéos avec seulement l’air, la terre, l’eau et le feu mais ça compte quand même !!
Oh, j’oubliais, si vous n’aimez pas les spoilers, sachez que le soleil vert c’est des gens, que Dark Vador en fait c’est le père de Luke et que vous ne devriez pas lire cette phrase ni les suivantes ! Bref, en route vers la véritude !!
6 - La théorie de l’endoctrinement (Mass Effet 3)Mass Effect est une trilogie de RPG Space Opéra vous mettant dans les bottes de Shepard, un type ou unE type, ne soyons pas sectaires qui doit sauver l’univers à coup de bastos, de prises de décision difficiles et de pénis dans des femelles aliens !
Une des particularité du jeu est que vos décisions sont censées impacter durablement l’univers selon si vous abordez le jeu en mode bourrin (Renegade) ou justicier au grand cœur (Parangon), ce qui peut se résumer comme suit :
Et je dis bien "censé" parce que toutes les promesses à base de "chacune de vos décision aura une importance à la fin de la trilogie" ont été tuées dans l’œuf par la fin de Mass Effect 3 et par "tuées" je veux bien sur dire "dépecées vivantes avant de violer sous leurs yeux l’ensemble de leur famille, animaux de compagnie inclus ". Pourquoi ? Mais parce qu’après les 100aines de décisions prises au cours du jeu, que vous ayez massacré des civilisations entières ou sauvé toutes les veuves orphelines cancéreuses de l’univers, le jeu se termine sur un mioche proposant 3 pauvres choix, choix se résumant à : tuer tous les Moissonneurs (aka : une civilisation de monstres mécaniques qu’on essaie de latter depuis trouzmilles heures de jeu !!), laisser les Moissonneurs gagner en leur permettant de
Pour vous faire une idée du niveau de déception ressenti par les joueurs à la fin du jeu c’est un peu comme si on vous promettait une croisière aux Bahamas et que vous finissiez les deux pieds dans une bassine d’eau sale dans le port de Dunkerque voir gagner un stage d’équitation d’une semaine sous la forme de 100g de lasagne à becqueter ! Cette fin est tellement cruelle qu’elle place le scénariste du jeu pile poil entre Hitler et Polpot en terme de crime contre l’humanité !!
Du moins, c’est ce qu’on essaie de vous faire croire, car la vérité est bien plus terrifiante ! En réalité, cette fin est un mensonge, une illusion dans la tête du héros !! Comment ça vous n’êtes pas convaincus aveuglement par ma parole d’expert reconnu dans 500 pays du globe ? Si cela avait biologiquement du sens, je vous dirais d’aller vous faire sodomiser par une truite pour votre honteux manque de confiance, non mais !!
Bref, laissez moi vous expliquer la théorie de l’Endoctrinement, vous allez comprendre ! Dans Mass Effect, les grands méchants Moissonneurs disposent d’une technique particulièrement vicieuse et dangereuse : l’endoctrinement, aka la manipulation mentale ! Toute créature restant en contact trop longtemps avec les Moissonneurs risque de se retrouver contrôlée. On voit ce phénomène se produire à de nombreuses reprises dans le jeu, notamment avec l’homme à la cigarette, le chef de l’organisation avec le nom le plus à coucher dehors de la terre : Cerberus !
Du coup, quelle est la meilleure explication derrière cette fin de jeu en totale contradiction avec les promesses des créateurs du jeu et tranchant radicalement avec le reste de l’histoire ? Simple, Shepard, à force d’entrer en contact à coup de balles dans le visage avec des Moissonneurs, a fini par être endoctriné par ces même Moissonneurs !! La fin du jeu, juste après la séquence où on court vers la Citadelle (la grosse base servant de capitale galactique) se déroule dans sa tête et la suite du jeu est la phase finale de sa manipulation, la dernière lutte de son intellect !!! S’il choisi de "commander" les Moissonneurs ou de les laisser fusionner avec tous les aliens de l’univers, cela veut dire qu’il accepte d’aider les Moissonneurs : son endoctrinement est complet ! S’il choisit de détruire les Moissonneurs, cela veut dire qu’il a repoussé l’endoctrinement, il en est libéré (mais les Moissonneurs existent toujours donc c’est quand même vachement la lose) !
Vous voulez des preuves ?? Ah ah, j’en ai plein :
Juste à la fin de sa course vers la citadelle, Shepard se mange un gros rayon laser dans la truffe, le jetant à terre !
A partir de ce point, de nombreux phénomènes étranges se produisent. Il se retrouve avec une arme magique disposant de munitions infinies qu’il n’avait pas jusque là (comme par hasard !!), il se déplace comme s’il flottait sur coussins d’air et une bonne partie de son armure, dont son casque, a mystérieusement disparu !! Donc, soit quelqu’un a profité de son étourdissement temporaire pour lui faire des choses que la morale reprouve impliquant très probablement du touche zizi avant de lui greffer des patins à roulettes, soit Shepard rêve à partir de cette séquence !!
Mais ce n’est pas tout. Une fois débarqué dans la citadelle, notre héros assiste au suicide de l’homme à la cigarette, suicide qui se déroule exactement comme celui de Saren, le super méchant du premier jeu, laissant penser que Shepard retranscrit ses propres souvenirs pour alimenter l’illusion !
Juste après, notre héros titube et s’écroule par terre. Il se rend compte qu’il saigne abondamment d’une blessure au ventre ALORS QUE LE LASER L’A TOUCHE A L’EPAULE avant de s’évanouir au sol… sol qui se soulève magiquement pour devenir un ascenseur l’amenant au sommet de la citadelle ! Ouaip, Shepard serait tombé COMME PAR HASARD sur une dalle magique invisible !! D’ailleurs, cette dalle doit être naturellement construite en molécules de pansement puisque la blessure de notre héros ne saignera plus par la suite !! Comme c’est pratique !!
Une fois au sommet où Shepard rencontre le mioche qui lui propose de choisir entre la fin Rouge Verte ou Bleue tel le premier jeu Pokémon venu, on aperçoit un détail très troublant :
Ce rayon et plusieurs autres éléments sont identiques au vaisseau des super méchants !! Cela ne peut pas être une coïncidence !! Les coïncidences dans une théorie du complot c’est comme l’intelligence dans Paris Hilton, CA N’EXISTE PAS §§§ Cela veut dire que Shepard est sur un vaisseau des Moissonneurs et que le mioche qui lui propose les 3 choix est donc leur pote, leur porte parole !!
Cette conclusion est renforcée par sa façon très orientée de présenter les 3 choix à Shepard. Comme il ne veut pas que ce dernier choisisse la destruction, il lui dit carrément que que cela détruira plusieurs autres civilisations bio-mécaniques et surtout, que la paix ne durera pas et que tout le merdier qu’on a tenté de régler reviendra à nouveau ! Il espère probablement que, voulant sauver sa peau et éviter plusieurs génocides, Shepard trouvera les deux autres solutions plus attractives ce qui est une technique rhétorique très prisée des politiciens "Vous préférez quoi ? Que je sois élu ou qu’un nazi mange vos enfants ?" !
Pour ne rien arranger, son explication sur le pourquoi du comment les Moissonneurs massacrent l’univers est d’une débilité sans nom et heureusement parce que s’il fallait lui trouver un nom à la hauteur ça donnerait "ultraoverextraquepersonnepeutbattre-débilité" et ça serait super chiant à prononcer. En gros, il dit quasiment texto "Sans les moissonneurs pour les arrêter, les créatures synthétiques finiraient pas détruire toutes les créatures organiques". Shepard, au lieu de répondre "QUOI ?? MAIS C’EST COMPLÈTEMENT STUPIDE COMME EXPLICATION §§ Dans ce cas pourquoi les Moissonneurs, qui sont des créatures Synthétiques, passent leur temps à massacrer des organiques si leur but est de sauver les Organiques des créatures Synthétiques ! C’est aussi stupide que de filer des Hummer à tout le monde pour endiguer la pollution ou tenter de désamorcer une bombe artisanale en faisant détonner une bombe nucléaire à côté !! ESCROC !!", accepte tout sans broncher ! Ouaip, ça rappelle furieusement un rêve, c’est connu, même s’ils sont stupides, le rêveur est incapable d’en voir les incohérences !!
Mais au fait, comment puis-je être sûr que la destruction implique la libération du contrôle mental de Shepard ?? Mais parce que la vidéo de la destruction est la seule dans laquelle Shepard s’en sort vivant (mais amoché), enseveli sous des décombres ne ressemblant pas à la citadelle mais à Londres, prouvant qu’il s’est bien retrouvé inconscient au pied de la citadelle et ne l’a jamais atteinte !!!
It's Alive !!
D’ailleurs, en parlant de ces vidéos, la théorie de l’endoctrinement explique pourquoi, alors que les coéquipiers de Shepard qui l’ont accompagné jusqu’à la Citadelle sont probablement morts sous le pilonnage des Moissonneurs, ils apparaissent saint et sauf à bord du Normandy (le vaisseau du héros, ils voulaient l’appeler Pas-De-Calays mais c’était trop long) à la fin ! Il s’agit du fantasme du cerveau mourant de Shepard possédé par les Moissonneurs !
Et quand je dis probablement morts, je veux dire "carrément morts" comme le prouve plusieurs éléments troublants lors de la scène finale ou Shepard courre vers la citadelle :
Vous n’êtes toujours pas convaincus ? Alors pourquoi Shepard, dans les vidéos finales, apparaît avec les même yeux mécaniques que l’endoctriné le plus célèbre du jeu, l’homme à la cigarette ??
Que serait une théorie du complot sans gros zoom pixellisé je vous le demande ??
Bref, quel que soit le choix coloré que vous ferez, vous, le joueur, aurez été endoctriné par les Moissonneurs sans vous en rendre compte ! Il est IMPOSSIBLE de gagner ! Alors, ne blâmez pas Bioware pour cette fin en mousse, blâmez ces enfoiray de Moissonneurs à la solde du FBI chinois !!! Oh, et je ne veux pas entendre d'excuses à base de "Nan mais les DLC contredisent cette théorie", c'est juste une manipulation pour tenter de dissimuler la vraie vérité véritable !! Et puis de toute façon, depuis quand met-on une théorie du complot à jour à la lumière de faits nouveaux, je vous le demande ??
- Source 100% scientifique et totalement peer-reviewed j’ty jure ! -
5 - La théorie de Cloud m’a tuer !! (Final Fantasy VII)Pour ceux d’entre vous qui auraient vécu ces 20 dernières années dans une geôle de Corée du Nord et qui ne connaîtraient donc pas Final Fantasy VII…
…il s’agit d’un RPG Japonais ce qui implique plein de trucs étranges comme des combats de "gentilshommes" où chacun attend bien gentiment son tour avant de se foutre sur la tronche…
…un monde ou les armes à feu font moins de dégât qu’un coup de bâton donné par une vendeuse de fleurs rachitique…
…du moins quand les tartignoles qui possèdent ces armes à feu daignent les utiliser !!!111
Un monde où, même quand une bombe risque de nous exploser à la tronche d’une minute à l’autre, on ne peut s’empêcher de faire une danse de la victoire de 10 secondes à la fin de chaque combat parce que se la péter c’est plus important que de se faire péter !!!1
Bref, le héros du jeu s’appelle Cloud (ou Connard si comme moi vous aimez changer le nom de vos persos), un émo qui se bat armé d’un substitut pénien. On le suit dans sa quête d’identité et de sauvetage de monde dans ce qui est, en toute objectivité, le meilleur Final Fantasy de l’univers après Final Fantasy 6 (/minute fanboy).
Hélas, tout n’est pas rose dans le jeu puis-qu’arrivé au tiers de l’aventure, il se produit un drame qui a fait pleurer des milliers de joueurs ! Aeris, le personnage dont Connard est amoureux, est assassinée ! Bon, quand je dis pleurer, les joueurs de jeux vidéo étant des sociopathes en puissance, je veux bien sûr dire pleurer de rage parce que mayrde quoi !! C’était le seul perso qui pouvait soigner plusieurs gus à la fois, bande d’enflures !!! OSEF QUE L’INSTANT SOIT DRAMATIQUE §§ RENDEZ MOI MA HEALEUSE §§
Mais au fait, assassinée par qui ?? Si vous êtes un mouton, vous avez probablement cru à la théorie officielle du gouvernement qui prétend qu’Aeris a été tuée par Sepiroth (ou plutôt Jénovah dans le corps de Sépiroth pour les puristes).
Cette théorie est un vulgaire mensonge même qu’il m’a dit "putain de sa race" !! Un conte de fée monté de toute pièce par les Illuminatis du Canada Bolchévique pour cacher la terrible vérité : Aeris ne devait pas mourir et Connard est le véritable responsable de son décès !! Ah ah !! Ca vous la coupe !! Même si mon charisme magnétique et mon physique d’albâtre seuls devraient vous convaincre, j’ai des preuves EN BETON pour chacune de ces affirmations !!!
Oui, Aeris n’était pas censée mourir définitivement !! Normalement, elle aurait dû être, soit simplement blessée, soit revenir plus tard au cours d’une séquence que les scientifiques nomment couramment "un gros deus ex machinae en mousse à la Gandalf" !
Je reviendrai sur les circonstances de sa mort après mais, pour les esprits supérieurs capables de les voir, de nombreux éléments dans le jeu indiquent qu’Aeris ne devait pas mourir ! Par exemple, juste avant le combat final, les personnages sont rassemblés pour une dernière discussion à base de "On va péter la gueule au méchant parce qu’il est méchant ce qui n’est pas très très gentil de sa part", on voit clairement qu’il reste une place pour un personnage à côté de Connard donc, soit il s’agit d’une place pour Aeris, soit Connard schnouff sévère des bras et personne ne veut l’approcher à moins de 3m !!
A un autre moment du jeu, après la mort d’Aeris, il faut séparer les personnages en 3 groupes, hors, après 15 pages de calcul d’équations différentielles au 12ème degré, je peux en conclure que, comme il y a 8 personnages, il est IMPOSSIBLE, de faire trois groupe de trois !! Le dernier groupe de seulement deux boloss, est incomplet car la dernière place était prévue pour MA HEALEUSE §§ RENDEZ LA MOI OU JE VOUS JURE JE… JE PLEURE OK AVEC DE LA MORVE ET TOUT §§§
Pire encore, dans le manuel du jeu et pendant les changements de disques, on aperçoit des images 3D représentant les différents personnages. La seul image qui ne se produit pas dans le jeu est celle d’Aeris que l’on voit a coté d’un vaisseau qui n’apparaît qu’après sa mort ! En plus, elle y apparaît en blanc alors que dans le jeu elle a une robe rouge ce qui renforce encore plus la théorie de la Gandalfisation !!
Et si Aeris est censée mourir alors pourquoi lui avoir filé une awesome Limite Break de niveau 4 capable d’instantanément buffer, soigner, détruire le sida, la faim dans le monde et le concept des DLCs si c’est pour ne pas pouvoir l’utiliser sans farming ultra intensif ?? Ca n’a aucun sens !!
Autre élément encore, en utilisant un programme de cheat, il est possible de réintégrer Aeris dans l’équipe après sa mort et, quand on fait ça, on peut s’apercevoir qu’elle dispose de certains dialogues uniques à plusieurs point dans le jeu, prouvant qu’elle était censée être présente lors de ces scènes !!
D’ailleurs, un dialogue avec Tifa (aka Gros Boobs) laisse sous entendre avec la subtilité d’une propagande Nord Coréenne qu’Aeris va revenir :
- Gros Boobs : Je pense qu’elle ne pensait pas mourir du tout, qu’elle avait prévu de revenir depuis le début. Elle parlait tout le temps de "la prochaine fois". Elle parlait du futur bien plus souvent qu’aucun d’entre nous
Ce à quoi Connard à dû répondre "…" vu que c'est un peu 95% de ses dialogues !!!
Je sais ce que vous vous dites "Bon, ok, elle était peut être censée revenir mais n’empêche, on voit bien que c’est Sepiroth qui la plante avec son gros katana palpitant de désir quand même !! Cloud est donc forcément innocent espèce de psychopathe !!" ce à quoi je répondrais, attendez voir, hum, il y a moi, ma grand-mère et mon chien, oui oui, c’est ça, ON EST TROIS FOIS PLUS NOMBREUX QUE TOI TOUT SEUL A CROIRE A CETTE THEORIE ALORS ON A PLUS RAISON QUE TOI OK §§ En plus, les apparences sont trompeuses !!
Déjà, pourquoi personne ne pense à utiliser une plume de phénix pour la sauver, hein ?? Les plumes de phénix sont capables de soigner les décès voir les hypersida cancereux de l’anus alors pourquoi cette radasse de Connard n’en utilise pas ??
Ensuite, regardez la vidéo du meurtre :
Vous ne remarquez pas un truc bizarre ?? Non, pas le fait que tous les personnages ont des moignons cancéreux en guise de mains lorsqu’il ne sont pas sous forme de vidéo précalculées ! Regardez, Sepiroth n’a pas de gants au début et il en a à la fin !
Je sais, vous allez me dire "Nan mais ça n’a aucun rapport avec la salade ça, on s’en tamponne !!". Non, on ne s’en tamponne pas !! Si c’est bizarre c'est qu'il y a forcément un truc à cacher !! Par exemple euh, je…hum, JE TROUVERAIS UNE EXPLICATION PLUS TARD MAIS CA COMPTE QUAND MEME §§ D’ailleurs, regardons plus attentivement la blessure que subit Aeris :
Si on étudie attentivement l’angle de la lame, on se rend compte que sa colonne est probablement touchée et que, niveau organe, seuls ses reins et ses poumons ont pu être atteints ! Mon doctorat en soignage me permet d’affirmer que ce n’est pas une blessure nécessairement mortelle, Aeris a été simplement "paralysée" le katana est donc une alternative viable au GHB !! Vous n’y croyez pas ?? Alors pourquoi son corps "coule" lorsque Cloud la dépose dans l’eau de la fontaine, hein ??
Un cadavre ne coule pas !! Il flotte à cause des gaz de la décomposition, d’autant plus que Connard attend un moment avant de la plonger dans la flotte histoire qu’elle refoule un max du goulot, c’est scientifique !!
La seule conclusion possible est donc qu’il a buté Aeris en la noyant (par inadvertance ?), pendant qu’elle était paralysée en plus de contaminer totalement la fontaine parce que bon, eau stagnante + cadavre = enjoy your gangrène pour les prochains glands qui viendront faire trempette dans le coin !!
Alors, faites comme moi et signez la pétition pour la réouverture de l’enquête déjà signée par 10 millions d’experts en physique quantique sur la mort d’Aeris !! Le gouvernement nous ment !! LA VERITUDE VAINCRA §§
- Source 100% scientifique et totalement peer-reviewed j’ty jure ! -
4 - La théorie du cube (Portal)Pour ceux d’entre vous qui ne connaîtraient pas Portal, je vous conseille de courir aussi loin que possible, je ne pourrai pas empêcher mon corps de vous glairer au visage très longtemps !! Nan, je déconne j’aurais trop peur de me faire cogner la truffe.
Portal, donc, est un jeu de réflexion dans lequel ont fait des trous dimensionnels avant de s’insérer dedans pour résoudre des puzzles. C’est également le seul jeu avec une héroïne capable de se regarder le postérieur en direct live !
Portal 2, c’est pareil, mais en plus long et avec de nouvelles technologies comme le liquide blanc qui colle partout !
Portal inclus également le Compagnon Cube, AKA le compagnon de jeu avec le ratio affection/temps de parole le plus élevé de l’univers (approximativement +infini)
Mais ce jeu, sous ses airs sympathiques, dissimule un horrible secret que Valve tente de cacher à la populace !! Le compagnon cube n’a rien de gentil ni d’adorable, oooooh non ! Ne vous laissez pas flouer par ses petits cœurs, c’est une astuce très connue pour se faire bien voir, seul les aveugles crédules bercés trop près de la télé s’y trompent !!
Après 30 ans d’enquête sur le sujet, je vais vous dévoiler cette horrible vérité. Accrochez vous à vos slips, voici la Révélation des Cubes !
Le premier élément qui met la puce à l’oreille a lieu lors de la première rencontre avec le compagnon cube. A la fin du niveau, GladOS nous oblige à jeter notre nouvel ami dans un incinérateur avec un morceau de notre âme :’( pour pouvoir continuer l’aventure. Bien sur, mon intellect supérieur m’ayant permis de comprendre la terrible vérité instantanément, j’ai aussitôt arrêté le jeu afin d’épargner le Compagnon Cube, moi, au moins *regard accusateur*. Cela dit, je tiens d’une source de confiance totalement différente de moi-même que, lorsqu’on commet cet acte abject, on est récompensé par cet achievement :
Fratricide, étrange choix de mot ! Mais ce n’est pas tout ! Comme vous le savez maintenant, GladOS, au même titre que le cinéma porno dans sa représentation du job de livreur de pizza, MENT systématiquement ! Du coup, quand elle dit "Dans l’éventualité où le compagnon cube tenterait de vous parler, ignorez le", cela signifie que les Compagnon Cube peuvent parfois parler ET chercher à nous aider !! Or, qui pourrait ET nous aider ET être considéré comme notre "frère" dans une base scientifique dont tout le personnel à été tué ?? Un des autres sujets de test que GladOS garde en réserve bien sûr !!
Donc, les Compagnons Cube contiennent soit des cadavres, soit des candidats blessés lors de tests ayant eu lieu avant notre réveil !! Cette vérité est tellement abjecte que Valve fait tout ce qu’il peut pour cacher la vérité afin de continuer à faire du fric en vendant des peluches aux enfants !!
Vous ne me croyez toujours pas ?? Bon sang mais vous n’avez pas encore pigé qu’il faut douter de tout SAUF des théories du complot ?? Pourquoi croyez vous que les deux niveaux dans lesquels apparaissent les compagnon cubes sont les seuls à ne pas inclure de portails de désintégration moléculaire, des portails conçus spécialement pour détruire tout objet non-organique, hein ?? Ah ah ! Vous ne pouvez pas lutter contre les faits !!
Bref, on déformera certainement mes propos pour dénaturer mon message alors si vous avez des questions sur cette révélation, elles ont intérêt à être obséquieuses et accompagnée d’un don de 500€ ou je vous traiterai de caca !
- Source 100% scientifique et totalement peer-reviewed j’ty jure ! -
3 – La théorie de la guerre dimensionnelle (Pokémon R&B)Pokémon c’est l’histoire de mioches de 10 ans qui se foutent sur la tronche à coup de bestioles portant des noms ressemblant à des maladies nécessitant l’intervention d’un proctologue ! Accessoirement, c’est aussi un des rare sujet plus sensible que la religion ou l’holocauste ! On ne rigole pas avec les Pokémons !! Il y en a qui ont essayé, ils ont eu de gros problèmes !!
Et plus encore dans les commentaires de cet horrible article blasphématoire !!
Mais cette fois encore, sous ses airs innocents d’apologie du braconnage, se dissimule un sombre secret !! Le monde idyllique où des animaux se lient d’amitié à leur dresseur grâce au miracle du syndrome de Stockholm vient en réalité tout juste de sortir d’une guerre terriblement meurtrière !
Non mais franchement, vous trouvez pas ça bizarre vous cette absence quasi systématique d’hommes "adultes" dans ce jeu ?? Les seuls personnes que l’on croise sont soit des vieux croulants (Professeur Chen), soit des femmes (La mère du héros, les infirmière qui ont dû être clonées vu qu’elles ont toutes la même tronche, etc…), soit des mioches ! Les rares hommes adultes sont quelques entraîneurs pokémon et les membres du crime organisé de la Team Rocket.
Pour ne rien arranger, le gouvernement et la police semblent être en déliquescence complète, comme si le pays cherchait à se réorganiser péniblement !
Le héros du jeu et son rival dont personne ne connaît le véritable nom puisque tout le monde l’a renommé "Gros Gland" ont tout les deux perdu leur père sans que personne n’explique dans quelles circonstances. L’explication la plus logique, avec tous ces indices, est donc qu’un événement dramatique entraînant la mort de nombreux hommes d’âge moyen a eu lieu par le passé. La terrible vérité sur cet événement est donné par le dresseur Pokémon "Lieutenant Surge" (Major Bob dans la langue de Stevie Boulay) :
Et paf ! Il y a donc bien eu une guerre, une guerre au cours de laquelle les Pokémons ont été utilisés comme armes armes que l’on laisse maintenant entre les mains d’enfants, parents indignes !!.
Mais au fait, contre quel ennemi a bien pu être cette guerre ?? Ah ah, je sais !
Vous ne vous êtes jamais demandé pourquoi la description des Pokémons dans le Pokédex inclut régulièrement des références à des animaux ou des groupes d’animaux n’existant pas dans cet univers comme par exemple :
Simple ! Parce que le monde des Pokémons a été envahi par les habitants d’une autre dimension : celle de notre propre terre !! Les envahisseurs de notre monde ont colonisé les lieux Conquistador staïl ! Ce sont donc eux, les premiers colons, qui ont écrit le Pokédex lorsqu’ils ont découvert l’étrange faune locale, d’où l’utilisation de référence purement terriennes ! Vous ne me croyez pas ?? Dans ce cas pourquoi le nom du lieu que l’on parcourt dans le premier Pokémon se nomme "Kanto", nom faisant référence à une région au Japon ?? Et pire !! Pourquoi le Lt Surge/Major Bob est surnommé :
Ouaip ! Lt Surge est un américain qui s’est battu pendant la guerre Pokémon ! La preuve irréfutable est là !! D’ailleurs, vous noterez au passage que les seuls personnes à connaître l’existence et l’emplacement des Pokémons légendaires sont les membres de groupes de dresseurs "hostiles" tout simplement parce qu’il s’agit en réalité des autochtones des lieux qui se rebellent contre l’oppression des envahisseurs et ils sont donc mieux renseignés que quiconque sur la faune de LEUR monde !!
Bref, fuck le colonialisme !! Répandons la vérité pour un monde pokémon LIBRE §§
- Source 100% scientifique et totalement peer-reviewed j’ty jure ! -
2 - La théorie de la pensée d’Eckhart (Final Fantasy VIII)Final Fantasy 8 c’est presque pareil que Final Fantasy 7 mais avec un héros,
En même temps, il a de quoi avoir les glandes, le pauvre est obligé de se battre avec une arme encore moins pratique que la fameuse épée "faites avec plus de métal que le Titanic" de Connard : La Gunblade !
Cette aberration 50% revolver / 50% épée est 100% fail ! Vous voulez l’utiliser comme un flingue ?? Dommage, le poids de la lame rend impossible de viser correctement à une main !! Vous voulez utiliser les deux mains comme sur une mitrailleuse ?!! Dommage, le manche est une fraking épée, vous venez de gagner un moignon !! Et si par malheur vous l’utilisez comme épée, bravo, vous avez transformé votre Gunblade en Bladetoutcourt vu que le barillet est maintenant plein de sang !!! GENIUS ! Le seul moyen de surpasser la stupidité de cette arme serait de créer un Lance Flamme en papier mâché ou un sabre laser sans manche, c’est dire !
Bref, c’est tellement aberrant que je suis sûr que ça a été mis là EXPRES pour détourner l’attention du véritable secret du jeu !! Car oui, ce jeu aussi nous cache des choses !!
Contrairement à ce que les joueurs naïfs et manquant d’ouverture d’esprit ont pu penser, Blaireau ne survit pas à la blessure qu’il subit à la fin du CD1, en réalité tout le reste du jeu se passe dans sa tête où il fantasme ses dernier instants avant d’enfin accepter sa mort !
Tututututût !! Commencez pas à mettre ma parole en doute, sinon je vous met un taquet sur la bouche !! Vous n’allez quand même pas essayer de me faire croire, A MOI, que Blaireau a pu survivre à cette attaque :
Il se mange dans le corps un pieu de glace qui doit faire au moins 600 fois son torse en largueur avant de faire une chute d’une hauteur que la communauté scientifique estime être de "vachement beaucoup trop haut" mètres. La douleur est même tellement atroce qu’il s’évanouit pendant sa chute !! Personne n’aurait pu survivre à ça et pourtant, on retrouve Blaireau "vivant", sans une seule égratignure (alors que sa balafre sur le visage est issue d’une blessure moins importante) au début du CD2 !! C’est extrêmement suspect et le jeu lui-même ne fait pas l’effort de donner une explication, prouvant qu’il y a anguille sous caillou :
"…Ou suis je ? J’ai…affronté Edea…Ma blessure… ? Pas de blessure… ? Comment… ? Les soldats Galbadians… On étaient encerclés."
Si les personnages dans Final Fantasy pouvaient se soigner par magie, ça se saurait !! Non, dès cet instant, l’aventure se poursuit dans la tête du héros agonisant qui va fantasmer ce qu’aurait pu être sa vie. Une des preuves les plus probantes et le changement de ton drastique entre le CD1 et le reste du jeu !! Jusqu’à ce point, le jeu restait semi-réaliste du moins tant qu’on peut l’être dans un univers SF peuplé d’autruches jaunes moches avec une histoire de mercenaires et de guerre civile, mais après, c’est festival de n’importe quoi ! Et va-y que je te colle du voyage temporel et va-y qu’on part dans l’espace avant de redescendre affronter une sorcière du futur planquée dans un château volant du passé !!
C’est n’importe quoi, même selon les standard Japonais.
Qui sont pourtant très bas !
Et l’univers n’est pas le seul à prendre un tournant étrange, les relations entre les personnage aussi ! Au début, Blaireau et Rinoa (la bonnasse du jeu) ne peuvent limite pas se pifer
Rinoa : Je vais mourir
Blaireau : Osef !
Les choses s’améliorent un peu par la suite avec la scène du bal…
Mais vraiment un tout petit peu vu qu’on apprend qu’en réalité, elle utilise Blaireau afin de ne pas avoir l’air débile à danser toute seule lorsque Seifer arrivera ! Seifer étant le "rival" de Blaireau à son école de Mercenaire ça a plus de gueule qu’une école de sorciers faut avouer, elle cherche juste à rendre jaloux celui pour qui elle a vraiment des sentiments !! Blaireau n’est qu’un outil !
Et pourtant, après le CD1, Blaireau et Rinoa se kiffent encore plus le boule que s’ils étaient intégralement fait en crack, Seifer est soudainement devenu un grand méchant nanar alors que jusque là il était du côté de Squall et du "bien", malgré son côté ambigu et leur rivalité ! Bref, on est en plein dans le gros fantasme où Blaireau s’imagine sauver le monde en butant son rival avant de pécho la bonnasse !! SUBTIL §§
Mais la preuve la plus flagrante que tout cela n’était qu’un rêve vient de la vidéo cauchemardesque de fin capable de faire passer un film de David Lynch pour un modèle de sobriété !! Regardez moi ce truc, il y a des visages flou flippant à la pelle qui passent en boucle :
Et l’image la plus troublante de l’univers qui passe furtivement à 4mn22 :
Toute la réalité de Blaireau se distord, devient cauchemardesque, il cherche à se remémorer les souvenirs d’une relation qui devient de plus en plus floue parce qu’elle n’a jamais vraiment existé !! Son rêve est en train de se terminer, il vit ses derniers instants ! Heureusement, juste avant de décéder, la vidéo devient soudainement tellement idyllique qu’elle doit être composée à 100% de caca de licorne :
Tout y est ! Le halo de lumière transperçant le ciel suivi juste après de scènes idylliques avec tous ses amis ! Même Seifer est là, en vie, heureux et amical alors qu’il est mort à la fin du jeu ! Je ne sais pas ce qu’il vous faut mais, perso, je trouve que la seule chose qui ressemble plus au paradis que ça impliquerait 72 bonnasses toutes nues !!
Blaireau a enfin trouvé la paix dans la mort ! COUIC §§
- Source 100% scientifique et totalement peer-reviewed j’ty jure ! -
1 - La théorie de la face cachée du plombier (Mario)Si vos neurones ne sont pas totalement empoisonnées par les toxines des Chemtrails, vous avez dû remarquer que Mario est hyper louche ! Déjà, faut vraiment être tarte pour se cogner la tête dans des murs volants dans l’espoir d’y trouver du pognon le pire c’est que ça marche ! La seule explication plausible à un tel comportement c’est que le royaume des champignons possède la couverture sociale la plus efficace du monde !
Ajoutez à ça qu’il se prétend plombier alors qu’il lui a fallut près de 5 jeux avant d’avoir des doigts, appendices pourtant fort pratiques dans son corps de métier, et vous comprendrez qu’il y a de quoi flipper sa race comme disent les jeunes !
Mais le pire, c’est que ce n’est pas le pire, ooooh non petits naïfs !! En réalité, Mario est un mari hyper-possessif avec des tendances d’ultraviolence terrorisant des royaumes entiers. Peach, si elle a jamais eu besoin d’être sauvée, c’est du vilain plombier psychopathe !!!
Vous ne me croyez pas ??! Alors expliquez moi pourquoi, à la fin de Super Wario Land, Mario débarque pour voler la statue géante de Peach que s’est fait construire Wario ?? Hein ?? Vous allez la cracher votre valda !!!
Nan mais sérieusement quoi ! Qui, à part un mec ultra-jaloux biclassé psychopathe, organiserait un braquage de statue de sa gonzesse à bord d’un hélico magique ?? Il n’y a que lui qui a le droit de mater le boule de Peach sous quelque forme que ce soit c’est ça ?? D’ailleurs, vous pourrez noter au passage, en regardant la vidéo de fin de ce jeu, que, contrairement à ce que les médias tentent de nous faire gober, Wario n’est pas le monstre que l’on imagine. Lorsqu’un génie lui propose d’exaucer un de ses vœux, au lieu de demander à récupérer la statue ou que Mario décède dans une explosion de caca, il demande simplement un foyer !! C’est beau :’)
Oui, je sais ce que vous allez dire. Mario a une excuse, il a vécu un événement tragique pendant son enfance avec la mort brutale de son père, Jumpman le braconnier, massacré sauvagement par Donkey Kong dans Donkey Kong Jr…
Jamais vue de bouillie de pixels n’aura été aussi insoutenable. Pour ceux qui ont l'estomac assez solide, la vidéo du crime.
…mais ce n’est pas une excuse !! Surtout que, s’il n’y avait que le vol d’œuvres d’arts sous prétexte que "La gueule de ma meuf est dessus alors c’est à moi !! C’est ma femme objet !! FUKC LE FAIMINISME §§", cela pourrait encore passer mais non ! Mooonsieur Mario a des accès de violence, Moooonsieur Mario massacre la faune et la flore de royaumes innocents sous prétexte qu’ils sont sur le chemin entre lui et sa meuf !! Oui, I-NNO-CENTS, parfaitement !! Au cas ou vous l’auriez raté, les ennemis des premiers niveaxu de Super Mario ne sont pas hostiles !! Ils marchent peinard sans rien demander quand soudainement PAF, ILS SONT ATTEINT D’UNE FRACTURE DU CRANE §§
Ce n’est qu’après quelques niveaux que les habitants ripostent, une fois l’effet de surprise passé et l’alerte rouge déclenchée dans les royaumes ! D’ailleurs, Mario ne se contente pas de massacrer des civils innocents, il leur déclare carrément la guerre comme le démontre le symbole de paix sur le drapeau qu’il arrache à la fin de chaque niveau pour le remplacer par un drapeau de sale communiste bolchévique !!
Oh hé oh !!! Je vous entends là ! Ne recommencez pas à à prendre sa défense à coup de "Gnagnagna c’est un bon gars, il fait ça uniquement pour éviter que Peach ne subisse un gang bang zoophile". Cette version officielle ne tient pas ! Peach, très clairement, n’est pas détenue contre son gré !! Alors oui, je sais, on la voit être détenue dans une cage mais dans ce cas expliquez moi pourquoi sa robe est en parfait état et sa coiffure absolument impeccable à la fin du jeu ?? Hein ?? Si elle était vraiment emprisonnée dans une cage au fond d’un donjon moisi dont les murs sont composé à 75% de peste bubonique, ses habits seraient sale et ses cheveux en vrac, c’est O-BLI-GE !!
Sachant que Bowser a avoué être amoureux d’elle dans le dessin animé Mario, il est plus raisonnable de penser que les deux sont amants et qu’ils sont obligés de donner le change pour que le plombier malade mental ultra-possessif qui vient de ravager des villes entières pour arriver jusqu’à elle, ne le découvre pas !!
Et même si l’on peut avoir des doutes sur le statut de prisonnière de Peach dans Super Mario World 1, elle n’est kidnappée dans aucun autre jeux ! SMB2 se déroule dans un rêve ! SMB3 est une pièce de théâtre reproduisant les événements de SMB1 et ne compte donc pas !
Les choses se corsent avec Mario 64. Voyant que Mario la récupère à chaque fois malgré son désir évident de vivre avec son amant, Peach décide de tendre un piège à Mario. Elle lui adresse une lettre lui promettant un cake alors que l’on sait très bien que les cakes ça a toujours été extrêmement douteux dans les jeux vidéo !! Ce faisant, elle espérait (à raison) que Mario foncerait tête baissée dans les pièges de Bowser et mourrait sur la route histoire d’être ENFIN débarrassée de cet équivalent marital du ténia !!!!
"Elle daube ta théorie !! On n’a aucune preuve que Peach kiffe Bowser alors ça ne tient pas sale complotiste !!" Bien sûr qu’on en a une espèce de… hum… Schkrümpf !! Non, ce n’est pas un nom de meuble IKEA, c’est une insulte Suédoise vil inculte !! Bref, dans Mario Sunshine, quand Peach croise un des mioches de Bowser, celui-ci lui balance :
"Leave my mama alone you bad man ! I won't let you take mama peach away" > "Laisse ma maman tranquille espèce de méchant ! Je ne te laisserais pas emmener maman Peach !!"
Ce a quoi la princesse répond "C’était toi" ("That was you") avec l’air mi-ravi, mi-niais que seule une ablation du cerveau peu produire :
QUOI ?? Le mioche d’une tortue géante vient lui dire qu’elle est sa mère et sa première réaction n’est pas de lui répondre "Houlalalala mon gars !! Calmos ! T’as fumé le stock de royal moquette ou quoi ? Je peux encore m’asseoir ! Tu as dû me confondre avec quelqu’un d’autre, quelqu’un avec un bien plus grand vagin !!", nope, elle préfère balancer un truc du style "Oh, coool !! Tu tombes à pic ! Je me demandais justement où j’avais bien pu abandonner l’enfant que j’ai eu avec Bowser !". Même si à la fin du jeu on découvre que ce ne sont pas vraiment ses gosses, sa réaction a des implications terrifiantes : elle sait qu’elle a eu des mioches avec l’ennemi juré de Mario, elle ne sait juste pas où ils sont probablement dans un frigo !! Bonjour la mère indigne !
D’ailleurs, il semblerait que Peach en ait eu finalement marre que Mario lui débouche ses toilettes personnelles ce qui est une métaphore pour ne pas utiliser le mot "quequette" par respect pour les jeunes lecteurs puisqu’il ne sont plus ensemble dans Mario Galaxy 1&2, Mario l’a remplacée par la princesse-déesse Rosalina !
Qu’ouïe-je ? Le cri d’agonie de milliers d’enfances détruites !! MOUHAHAHAHA §§
ConclusageOh, mayrde !! J’entends du bruit dehors !! ILS M’ONT RETROUVE §§ Je… Je dois fuir pour l’instant mais je reviendrai !! D’autres complots existent croyez moi !! NE SOYEZ PAS DUPE §§ Pédro OUT §§
*voix étouffée* Oui maman ! Tout de suite maman ! J’arrive maman !!
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- Par | mardi 27 août 2013 | 18:54
- Commentaires576 commentaires CatégorieLes Tops c'est top Mots-cléscomplot, final fantasy, Les illuminatis sont dans le coup, mario, mass effect, pokemon, portal
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